


through the walls

by bespokenboy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, College AU, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:36:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5641066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bespokenboy/pseuds/bespokenboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This isn't the first time Joonmyun's mildly annoying neighbor has given him a headache from being too loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	through the walls

Joonmyun's heartbeat is steady nowadays. Sometimes he isn't sure if it's beating at all. He hears the slam of a door and raised voices in the apartment next to his and remembers a time when his blood pulsed red and fiery throughout his body. 

Now he's left only with scabs lingering as an ugly reminder of the pain that once existed. 

A crash of glass—in his own apartment, not his neighbor's. His last photo of the two of them is lying on the floor now, covered by a mosaic of shattered glass. His last reminder of what they once were. 

The sight of Changmin’s chestnut eyes and secretive smile doesn't make Joonmyun feel sad anymore. He doesn't cry—he never cries these days—when he remembers what Changmin said to him. Joonmyun just lets a numbness settle into his bones as the words of this stranger wash over him again. 

_“We were going to end eventually, and you knew it. You have to face the fact that some things aren’t meant to last forever.”_

It was like being knocked over, just when he learned how to stand. In moments like these Joonmyun reflects on what Changmin told him and wonders how he could have ever thought differently. 

He sweeps the shards of glass into a plastic bag and drops it into a wastebasket. The photograph follows soon after. 

It's quiet in his neighbor's apartment now. Another slam of the door, and heels clicking down the hallway towards the elevator. It must be Seohyun, his neighbor Chanyeol's girlfriend. They've been through a tumultuous six months together. Joonmyun and his roommate Sehun have heard most of it through their thin walls. 

Joonmyun hears sobs now, the wailing, indulgent kind that Joonmyun has only seen in movies. He feels a sharp jolt of pain along his temples. This isn't the first time Joonmyun's mildly annoying neighbor has given him a headache from being too loud. 

Not knowing what else to do, Joonmyun digs through his freezer for an old tub of ice cream and grabs a plastic ice cream scoop from the kitchen before heading next door. 

“Hey, are you okay–?”

“Hyung!” 

Chanyeol grabs Joonmyun in a bear hug and buries his face into his shoulder. 

“You–won't–believe–what–happened–today–” he hiccups, steering Joonmyun toward his sofa. Joonmyun hadn't planned on visiting Chanyeol's apartment for long, but he resigns to the fact that he's pretty much stuck now. 

“Did Seohyun break up with you?”

“SEOHYUN BROKE UP WITH ME,” Chanyeol sobs, collapsing onto his lap. “I don't know how you dealt with Changmin dumping you after he graduated, but this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

“There, there,” Joonmyun murmurs, hesitantly smoothing Chanyeol’s thick, soft black hair away from his forehead. “I brought you ice cream.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Chanyeol sniffles, smiling at Joonmyun through his tears. 

Joonmyun hates how he thinks that Chanyeol looks kind of cute like this. He quashes the feeling, because the last thing he needs right now is to develop a crush on the unavailable straight boy next door. 

They've lived next door to each other for some time now, but he can count the number of times he's been in Chanyeol's apartment on one hand. Up until recently, Joonmyun always spent more of his hours at Changmin's place than his own. 

“Want to talk about it?”

Chanyeol clutches the tub of ice cream against his stomach, digging into it forcefully with the scoop. “She says that I don't care about her enough. That I'm only dating her because I hate being single, and that I need to sort my validation issues out before we can be in a serious relationship.”

“Oh. And, um, how does that make you feel?” Joonmyun asks lamely. 

“Fucking terrified, because I know she's right,” Chanyeol sighs with a bitter smile. “You've heard us arguing through these goddamn paper walls. We can't pretend like these last six months were the happiest of my life. But it was better than being alone.”

“Changmin and I argued a lot too,” Joonmyun offers quietly. _And I loved him, and he still left me_ are words that remain unsaid. Maybe Joonmyun will be able to say them one day, but that day has not come yet. 

“I remember you were really upset when you guys broke up. How did you get over it?”

Joonmyun shrugs, hiding his surprise that even Chanyeol noticed. He must have looked worse off than he thought. “I tried not to let it bother me, and I moved on.”

After the breakup, Joonmyun consciously built a protective wall around himself, trying to convince himself that he couldn't feel anything just so he wouldn't get hurt. It's worked, more or less. 

“Huh. I wish I had a hard shell….like a hard-boiled egg. That sounds like a skill or maybe….a superpower. Maybe….” Chanyeol gasps, and he sits up straight. “Hard-Boiled Egg Man.”

“Pardon?”

“Wait right here!”

Chanyeol leaps to his feet and rushes into his bedroom. Joonmyun blinks, unnerved by how quickly the topic changed. He has a feeling that Chanyeol will be exhausting to keep up with in future conversations. 

A few minutes later, Chanyeol emerges from his bedroom. He’s scribbling in a sketchbook, which he proudly shows to Joonmyun. “Hard-Boiled Egg Man!” he announces triumphantly.

Joonmyun takes the notebook and starts snickering when he sees the bald superhero sketched on the page.

“What you said gave me inspiration,” Chanyeol explains. “So I created a superhero who hardens himself to life’s struggles in order to become stronger.”

“So you drew One Punch Man?” Joonmyun giggles. “Chanyeol, this guy looks exactly like Saitama.”

“Noooo!” Chanyeol howls. “Godammit, not again. I knew he looked kind of familiar when I finished sketching him.”

“It's a good drawing though!”

Chanyeol smiles at Joonmyun, who’s looking at the sketch with real awe in his eyes. Chanyeol rips the page out of his notebook, signs it, and hands it to Joonmyun. 

“For you,” he mumbles a little self-consciously.

Joonmyun accepts it, surprised by Chanyeol’s gesture and his sudden bashfulness. He carefully folds the paper into a neat square and slips it into his wallet, which he tucks back into his breast pocket. He might frame it later and hang it up in his apartment, or he might just keep it there, close to his heart. 

“Thank you, Chanyeol. You’re a very talented artist! Are you a design major?” Joonmyun asks, realizing how little he knows about his neighbor. 

“I study planetary science, but I love drawing for fun. I also have an internship at the applied physics lab, where I do a lot of modeling. I mean, I design and build models, not–”

Chanyeol strikes a pose to demonstrate that what he _doesn't_ do is fashion modeling. Joonmyun laughs. He understood without Chanyeol's clarification, as amusing as it was.

“You could be a model though,” Joonmyun compliments him shyly. 

“Oho? Are you saying that I'm hot?” Chanyeol teases him. 

“I mean you're tall,” Joonmyun says quickly. “You're long, like a noodle.”

“A hot noodle, you mean,” Chanyeol corrects. 

Joonmyun summons up his courage and asks, “Have you seen One Punch Man? We could watch it at my place if it might cheer you up. I have more ice cream in the freezer.”

“I would love to, but I've got a football game tonight, I'm sorry,” Chanyeol groans. “Maybe afterwards though! But you should totally come to the football game.”

“I'll try, if I'm not busy tonight….”

“I'll score a touchdown for you, hyung,” Chanyeol promises with a grin. 

Joonmyun leaves the apartment, promising to do his best to attend the football game that night. He makes a lot of promises like this, but for the first time he really does want to follow through. Joonmyun showed up at Chanyeol's apartment to cheer him up, but he leaves feeling more like Chanyeol brought a little more sunshine into Joonmyun's life instead. 

Joonmyun has a habit of being rather reserved, since it usually takes time for him to warm up to people. But Chanyeol—there's something about the way that Chanyeol smiles at him with a straightforward kind of warmth that Joonmyun finds utterly disarming. He isn't sure if he should get closer to Chanyeol or stay far, far away. 

 

Joonmyun usually spends his Friday evenings indulging in a dirty chai at his favorite cafe before heading to the library to get a head start on his homework for the weekend. But tonight he digs his old tradition scarf out from the bottom of his closet and wraps it thickly around his neck and chin before facing the chilly night. 

There are fewer fans in the stands than he expected, especially since it’s a perfect night for football. He hasn’t been to a game in over a year, when Changmin took him to experience Friday night lights for the first time. And for their first kiss, stolen after the winning touchdown. 

He feels that same thrilling rush when the football team pours onto the field, illuminated by bright white floodlights. Joonmyun hollers extra loudly when he sees Chanyeol’s jersey number, 61. 

It’s so strange to see Chanyeol here, in his element. Earlier in the day, Chanyeol was a hot mess, sobbing on Joonmyun’s lap and almost tripping over his own limbs in his excitement to show Joonmyun a drawing of an anime character he thought he made up. That was closer to Joonmyun’s first impression of Chanyeol—a flailing mass of too-long limbs paired with a startlingly deep voice. But what the public sees of Chanyeol is this beautiful intensity, this unexpected elegance in the way that he moves his body on the field. His face is hidden under his helmet, but Joonmyun can tell that Chanyeol’s focused and sharp as a blade. 

Thick shoulder pads accentuate the broadness of Chanyeol’s shoulders and the narrowness of his tight, toned waist. He’s also wearing skintight black compression pants that follow the curved lines of his distinct bowlegs. Chanyeol's taller, thinner than the other players on his team, strangely fragile looking in comparison to the heftier linebackers. But when the timer starts ticking for the first quarter, Chanyeol’s sprinting with an effortless kind of grace, weaving swiftly in and out of the defensive formation. With the football tucked tightly in the crook of his elbow, he’s untouchable. 

The band starts playing the school fight song as soon as Chanyeol makes the first touchdown, and Joonmyun struggles to remember the lyrics to sing along. _To win, to win, you’d like like hell to win…._

He glances down at the cheerleaders lined up at the edge of the field, waving their poms and singing along to the fight song. He recognizes Seohyun with a big bow in her hair and a miniskirt revealing her slim, long legs. 

_You'll have to wait ‘til our team is through, we'll beat you ‘til you're black and blue…._

She looks so pretty and fresh-faced, and it’s easy to imagine her in the arms of Chanyeol, her quarterback boyfriend. They were the kind of couple that people would look at and nod approvingly, because they made so much sense. If Chanyeol hadn’t told him, Joonmyun would never have suspected how false and broken their relationship was.

_Hi lo, hi lee, it's plain enough to see—if anyone's gonna win today, it's we, we, we!_

“Hey, what are you doing here?” 

Joonmyun turns around to see Baekhyun, his other closest friend. He’s grinning open-mouthed, and Sehun's standing behind him, their breaths puffing out in white clouds of steam. 

“Hey, hyung,” Sehun greets. His face is impassive as usual, somehow managing to look both semi-conscious and utterly disdainful. He doesn’t say anything else; Baekhyun always does enough talking for the two of them.

“I thought you weren’t interested in sports!” Baekhyun says, sliding into the space next to Joonmyun. He unfolds a blanket and spreads it across their laps, sharing the warmth with Joonmyun and Sehun on either side of him. 

“I came here tonight to support our next door neighbor, Chanyeol. Hey Sehun, did you know that Chanyeol’s a quarterback?”

“Yeah, hyung, because I actually come to football games,” Sehun answers. “I saw Seohyun today on my way home, she seemed pretty upset. Is everything okay between them?”

“They broke up today,” Joonmyun explains. “Chanyeol was pretty beaten up about it.”

“Really?” Baekhyun asks incredulously. “From the way he’s playing today, I can’t tell at all. It looks like he's at the top of his game.”

Sehun watches Joonmyun with eyes narrowed in suspicion when he jumps up in excitement as Chanyeol crosses into the end zone, scoring another touchdown for his team. Chanyeol pumps his fist into the air, and Joonmyun screams, “Go Chanyeol!”

When the game is over, a stunning victory for the school, Joonmyun joins the crowd that rushes to the gate to congratulate the players. Joonmyun's swelling with a strange sort of pride as he leans over the fence excitedly, watching as the team huddle disperses. 

“Chanyeol!” he shouts, and he beams so hard it hurts his cheeks when Chanyeol makes eye contact with him and jogs over.

His black bangs are damp, plastered to his forehead with sweat, and his skin is pink, flushed from the cold and excitement. “You made it, hyung!” Chanyeol laughs with joy. He reaches over the fence to give Joonmyun a bone-crushing hug, almost lifting him off the ground. 

Joonmyun’s face is buried against Chanyeol’s neck, and he inhales, filling his lungs with Chanyeol’s heady scent. Chanyeol pulls back and just grins at Joonmyun, holding him by the shoulders. The tips of Joonmyun's nose and ears are bright red. 

“You were amazing, Chanyeol!” Joonmyun gushes. 

“I didn't think you'd come, but I'm so glad you're here, Joonmyun-hyung.”

Chanyeol reaches his hand out to rest his palm gently on Joonmyun's cheek, and Joonmyun's mind goes blank. 

“Of course I came! I wanted to watch you play,” Joonmyun tells him, unsure of what else to say but not wanting the moment to end.

Chanyeol's about to say something when his gaze drifts over Joonmyun’s shoulder. His eyes widen in panic at the sight of Seohyun shooting resentful looks at him from the sidelines. He pulls Joonmyun in by the scarf and crushes their lips together, muffling Joonmyun’s yelps of alarm. 

Joonmyun tries to push him away, but Chanyeol holds his chin in his hand and presses their foreheads together. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he whispers in that irresistible voice of his, deep and velvety with a rough scrape to it that Joonmyun feels viscerally. And then Chanyeol closes his eyes and kisses him again, softly this time, gently sucking on Joonmyun’s thin upper lip, his invisible stubble scratching against Joonmyun's skin. 

Joonmyun knows in every corner of his body that it’s an empty kiss, that Chanyeol is using him for whatever selfish reason of his. But that doesn’t stop Joonmyun from surrendering to the feeling of Chanyeol’s hot mouth and cold skin. Chanyeol tastes like cinnamon, warm and racy, and Joonmyun doesn’t realize that he’s clutching onto his jersey until Chanyeol’s pulling away. 

“I’m….sorry, hyung,” Chanyeol apologizes again. He’s breathing heavily and unable to meet Joonmyun’s eyes. Joonmyun’s grip on the fabric loosens, and then it’s slipping out of his fingers as Chanyeol retreats, joining his teammates as they jog back to the locker room. 

Joonmyun touches his fingers to his lips, where the intensity of their kiss still burns searing hot. He would have stayed there, frozen to the gate, if Baekhyun didn't grab him by the shoulder demanding, “What was that?!”

“I don't know,” Joonmyun whispers. “He just grabbed me and kissed me.”

“Hyung,” Sehun says warily. “I think he might trying to use you.”

“Yeah,” Joonmyun admits quietly.

“Come on hyung, let's get you home.”

 

Friday night means that Joonmyun declines offers of free weed and alcohol, climbing into bed with his laptop instead. It isn't even past midnight when Joonmyun gets a warning text from Sehun. 

_hey hyung im bringing someone over tonite_

_thx for the heads up!_ Joonmyun texts back, wondering how Sehun manages to pick up so many women despite his utter lack of charm. 

Unfortunately, Friday night more often than not also means that Joonmyun has to find somewhere else to stay rather than risk overhearing whatever goes on in Sehun's bedroom. 

Somehow Joonmyun finds himself in front of Chanyeol's door, pillow tucked under his arm and toothbrush clenched in his fist. 

“Hyung?” Chanyeol asks carefully. He looks so unsure of himself, and Joonmyun wishes he could make the worried look in his eyes disappear.

“Ah, Chanyeol, is it okay for me to crash here tonight? Sehun's got an overnight guest.”

Joonmyun smiles widely, but his heart is stuttering in his chest. 

“Yeah, of course hyung! You're welcome here anytime!”

They're both acting like nothing happened, but maybe it's better that way. As long as there's nothing between them, Joonmyun won't get his heart broken again.

Joonmyun suddenly notices that Chanyeol's neck is a blotchy red. “Is your skin okay, Chanyeol?” he asks hesitantly. He doesn't want to embarrass Chanyeol, but he tends to over-worry. 

“It looks like I had a fun night, but I really didn't,” Chanyeol jokes. “I think I had an allergic reaction to something.”

Joonmyun nods sympathetically and asks, “Have you tried to stop the inflammation?”

“No.”

“Are you going to treat it with anything?”

“Um. Sure.”

“Are you really?”

Chanyeol smiles sheepishly and shakes his head, letting his bangs fall into his eyes. Joonmyun sighs and heads straight for Chanyeol's bathroom to find something to soothe the rash. When Joonmyun returns, he stands on his tiptoes to press a cool, damp washcloth against Chanyeol's neck. Joonmyun’s close enough to feel the warmth of his skin as he lets Chanyeol’s clean, soapy scent fill his lungs.

“You brought me ice cream, you came to my football game, and now I feel like you're using Sehun as an excuse to take care of me again,” Chanyeol teases him. 

“I can leave if you want,” Joonmyun pouts.

Chanyeol grabs Joonmyun by the waist and laughs, “No, I don't mean it that way. I don't mind being spoiled by you, hyung. It's good for my ego.”

“Bad for it, you mean. I don't think your ego needs any more inflating.”

“But you make me feel so special, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs into Joonmyun's ear, still hugging him from behind. 

It's dangerous, how warm and safe and comfortable Joonmyun feels in Chanyeol's arms. It reminds him of the stupidly giddy, fluttering feeling that consumed his entire body when they kissed. He wriggles out of Chanyeol's grip and rubs his nose awkwardly. 

“What were you doing before I got here?”

“I was, uh, watching a movie.”

“What movie?”

“Wait, hyung, no–”

Joonmyun grabs the remote control before Chanyeol can stop him. The television screen flickers to life, and colorful animated fish skitter across the screen. 

“Chanyeol, were you watching _Finding Nemo_?”

“No! It just happened to be on TV.”

“But it says that this is a DVD.”

“Yeah, okay, fine. I have an entire Disney movie collection on Blu-Ray,” Chanyeol says defiantly, as though daring Joonmyun to make fun of him. 

“I hope you won't mind me watching with you, then, because _Finding Nemo_ is one of my favorites!”

Chanyeol looks surprised for a second, and then he breaks into a grin. “Want a beer, hyung?” 

Joonmyun hums in assent and settles onto the sofa. It's comfortable, he wouldn't mind sleeping on it. When Chanyeol hands him a cold can of beer, he teases, “By your reaction, I was half-expecting to see porn on the screen.”

“Somehow this is more embarrassing than getting caught watching porn.”

Joonmyun sighs happily and crosses his legs, clutching a pillow to his chest. He's all too aware of the way that their knees are close enough for Chanyeol's leg hair to tickle his skin. Chanyeol yawns and stretches his arms out, letting one settle around Joonmyun's shoulders. 

As much as Joonmyun wants to rest his head against Chanyeol's neck, he fights the feeling and takes a heavy gulp of Natty Boh. The sharp, familiar taste reminds him of halcyon evenings spent in his ex-boyfriend's apartment watching Changmin and his friends argue about what channel to watch. Those were the nights Joonmyun wished would never end, and he feels pangs of the same kind of longing again. 

He takes another sip, and then another, hoping to make the ache go away.

By the time the movie is over, Joonmyun's eyelashes are damp. He feels the cushion shift as Chanyeol moves to stretch out. 

“God, I can't believe that movie actually made me tear up,” Chanyeol groans, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. He glances over and sees tears welling in Joonmyun's eyes too. He bursts into laughter. “You too, hyung?!”

“What?” 

“The movie made you cry, too?”

“No,” Joonmyun sniffles. Chanyeol just stares at him for a moment, and then they're both howling with laughter. “I'm just feeling nostalgic,” Joonmyun says quietly moments later. 

“Me too.”

Joonmyun flinches when Chanyeol reaches out to wipe a tear away with his thumb. “It's okay,” Chanyeol murmurs quietly. He's chuckling when he says, “I can't believe we're watching a Disney movie and crying together. My other friends would never take me seriously again if they found out about this.”

“There's nothing wrong with it,” Joonmyun tells him. He accepts the tissue Chanyeol offers him.

“Yeah. I'm so glad you understand me, hyung. Wanna go out?”

“Pardon?” Joonmyun asks weakly. 

“The football frat’s throwing a big party, and they keep asking me to come,” Chanyeol explains, frowning when another notification lights up his phone. 

“Oh. Then you should probably go. I can wait here, or I can find somewhere else to stay for the night.”

“Of course you don't have to find somewhere else to stay, hyung. You're welcome here anytime. But, um, the thing is….” Chanyeol's face is suddenly troubled, and Joonmyun reaches out instinctively to hold onto his wide wrist. Joonmyun's fingertips just barely meet around its circumference. 

“What's the matter?”

“Seohyun’s probably gonna be there, and I don't think I can face seeing her again on my own.”

“I see.” Joonmyun puts on a brave smile, swallowing his bad premonitions about taking responsibility for a drunk Chanyeol. “I wouldn't mind tagging along then.” 

Chanyeol's eyes light up, and he smiles back at him. “Thanks hyung! I knew I could count on you.”

 

There is a sharp distinction between the younger students looking to socialize and older students like Joonmyun who are there for the free alcohol more than anything else. He didn’t bother changing out of his pajamas, and he’s lounging on a sofa with a six-pack by his feet. He sips casually from a can as Chanyeol faces off against a giggly freshman in beer pong. He's hilariously bad at it, even worse than the girl, and Joonmyun isn't sure at this point if he's losing on purpose or not. 

Someone hands Chanyeol a plastic cup filled to the brim, and he sloppily chugs it down. Some liquid sloshes over the sides, leaving his cheeks damp and sticky with beer. 

“Who's next?” he roars, holding his cup in the air like he hadn't just lost to an eighteen year old girl.

“Time for a break, champ,” Joonmyun says, tugging on the hem of Chanyeol's shirt and pulling him down onto the sofa cushion. “You should quit while you're ahead.”

“Damn right! I _am_ a fucking champion,” Chanyeol agrees drunkenly. “Jello shot?”

He lifts a tray of tiny paper cups out of nowhere, and Joonmyun coaxes it out of his hands. 

“I think you've had enough, Chanyeol.”

“No!” Chanyeol's eyes grow wide as he shakes his head vehemently. “I've only had….”

“Too many, you don’t need any more shots. I can make you jello at home if you want.”

Chanyeol looks at Joonmyun with bleary eyes. “You’re the best, hyung,” he whispers. “You really are the best.”

Joonmyun pours some water onto a paper towel and dabs away the stickiness from Chanyeol’s cheeks. “Want to head back home now?” 

Chanyeol rests his forehead on Joonmyun’s shoulder and pretends to snore. “Too tired, hyung,” he whines. “Can’t move.”

“Okay, okay, fine, we can wait a bit before we walk back. But I need some fresh air.”

“Don’t leave me!” Chanyeol wails, grabbing Joonmyun by the waist when he tries to move away.

“I’m just going out to the balcony. You can come if you want.”

“Hyung! Hyung, don't stand so close to the edge!” Chanyeol calls after Joonmyun as he follows him outside. “Hyung, that's scary!”

Joonmyun chuckles as he leans on the balcony railing, turning his eyes up to night sky. He can feel the heavy thump of music from the party inside, but it's quiet out in the open. 

Drunken students stagger across the empty street below in search of something to do, and Joonmyun recognizes Baekhyun's rowdy laughter as he approaches the house. A tall figure is clinging onto his elbow—not Sehun. Joonmyun recognizes the man as Zitao, a sweet young underclassman who Baekhyun must be corrupting with delight. With them is Yixing, who is one of their most studious friends despite his laid back appearance.

Joonmyun turns back to check on Chanyeol and finds him trying to sit on an upside down bucket. “Hey! Chanyeol, stop!” he calls out. “Don’t sit on that! You'll hurt yourself!”

“Why not, hyung? I’m tired,” Chanyeol pouts. He wobbles over to where Joonmyun is standing and rests his forehead on Joonmyun’s shoulder. Joonmyun instinctively strokes Chanyeol’s hair as Chanyeol traps him against the railing with his arms. 

“This is really scary, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs. “We’re really high up here. I’m scared. Are you scared?”

“Yeah,” Joonmyun admits, though he’s scared for a different reason. He’s scared by how much he craves Chanyeol’s warmth and touch, and by how much he hates the idea that Chanyeol’s like this with everyone. He hates how much he wants to be special.

“I change my mind,” Chanyeol says, and even though he’s trying to speak quietly, Joonmyun can still feel his voice rumbling low in his chest. “I’m not scared. Because I know that hyung will protect me, and I’ll do my best to protect hyung too.”

Electricity crackles along Joonmyun's skin when he feels Chanyeol's lips brush against his neck, soft as a whisper. 

“Found you, Joonmyun-hyung! I brought a friend with me!” Baekhyun sings out, slamming the balcony door behind him. He chortles obnoxiously, not noticing that he's the only one laughing. Zitao’s eyes are wide when he makes eye contact with Joonmyun. 

“Hey Zitao,” Joonmyun says, trying to sound as normal as possible with Chanyeol's warm breath on his neck. “What's up?”

“Yixing’s making out with some guy on the soccer team,” Baekhyun butts in. “Can you believe how fucking gay that is?” 

“Oh? Um, I wasn't aware that Yixing swung that way–”

“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun continues, “don't you have a girlfriend or something? Or did you realize that hyung’s more your type?”

“Baekhyun, he's not–” Joonmyun tries to say, but his voice is drowned out by Baekhyun laughing hysterically at nothing in particular. 

“Hyung's my girlfriend now,” Chanyeol slurs loudly. 

“I'm not a girl, Chanyeol!” Joonmyun protests. He tries to wriggle away from Chanyeol, but he's still caged in his arms. 

“But you're so fucking pretty.”

“Can you believe how fucking many gay friends I have, Tao?” Baekhyun asks incredulously. “First Joonmyun and now Yixing and Chanyeol. Fuck, I might even be gay myself!”

Zitao looks at him shyly for a moment and then steals a kiss from Baekhyun's cheek. Baekhyun's eyes go wide, and then he announces, “I gotta go check something….See you guys later!”

“Chanyeol, we should get you back home,” Joonmyun says, but he doesn't make a move. He's cradled in Chanyeol's warmth, trapped between the balcony railing and Chanyeol's solid chest. 

“But it feels so nice,” Chanyeol murmurs, resting his chin on Joonmyun's neck. “I'm so happy, hyung.”

His hands have found Joonmyun's hands now, and the way their fingers fit together makes Joonmyun's heart feel ready to burst. Being held like this, and knowing that Chanyeol might not ever hold him like this again, fills Joonmyun with a lovely ache. 

Joonmyun feels a sudden splash on his skin, like a warm droplet of rain. He looks up, but the sky is clear. Chanyeol's eyes, however, are brimming with tears. 

“Are you okay, Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks in alarm. “What's wrong?”

“I was just thinking,” Chanyeol sniffles. He rests his eyes on Joonmyun's shoulder, letting his shirt absorb his tears. 

“About what?”

Chanyeol opens and then closes his mouth as if he was about to say something, only to change his mind at the last second. “Never mind,” he mumbles. “You'll think it's dumb.”

“I wouldn't think anything you say is dumb,” Joonmyun promises solemnly. For a second, he lets himself wonder if Chanyeol could possibly be thinking about the same thing he is—wanting to make this moment last forever. “So tell me.”

“I was thinking about love I guess,” Chanyeol admits, “and the way that someone can love someone else so much that they would search an entire fucking ocean just to make sure they’re okay.”

“You're still thinking about _Finding Nemo_?” Joonmyun asks with a surprised giggle. 

“I shouldn't have told you that,” Chanyeol realizes with regret. “I get weird when I’m drunk.”

He chuckles self-consciously and lets go of Joonmyun's hand to run his fingers through his hair, a nervous reflex. 

“It's fine,” Joonmyun tells him gently. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

“But this is the second time you've seen me cry today. Or maybe third, I don't fucking know,” Chanyeol groans. “I'm such a fucking mess.”

Joonmyun turns around to hug him tightly around the waist, pressing his cheek against Chanyeol's warm chest. “You're perfect,” Joonmyun whispers, almost hoping that Chanyeol won't hear. “You're beautiful, even when you cry. And it's okay, since you’ve seen me cry, too.”

Chanyeol laughs, but it's choked back by a sob. He wants to tell Joonmyun that he hates seeing him cry more than anything else in the world, that the sight of Joonmyun in pain hurts Chanyeol more than he could even articulate, but what Chanyeol ends up saying is, “You're so ugly when you cry.”

Joonmyun doesn't have to say anything for Chanyeol to tell that he hurt his feelings. He draws back, steps away from Chanyeol and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Yeah,” Joonmyun agrees with a brittle smile and a chuckle that rings false. “I've been told.”

“Fuck. That's not what I meant.”

“Don't worry about it, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun says with that same phony smile that Chanyeol hates seeing even more than his crying face. “I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to be honest with me.”

Chanyeol wishes that he could tell Joonmyun everything on his mind, but his mouth has a way of butchering his thoughts when he puts them into words. There are thoughts on his mind too fragile and precious to risk miscommunicating with his clumsy tongue, so he keeps them locked away for now.

“You know what we should do tomorrow, hyung?”

“What,” Joonmyun says warily. 

“We should go fishing!”

Joonmyun stares at him for a few seconds as Chanyeol fights to keep a straight face. He breaks into a grin, and Joonmyun chuckles in disbelief. 

“Wouldn't that movie have made you not want to go fishing, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol scrunches his nose thoughtfully and decides, “But fishing always makes me feel better.”

“Alright,” Joonmyun sighs. “But how are we going to find somewhere to fish in the middle of the city?”

Chanyeol was so excited by his own idea that he genuinely hadn't considered that. “Maybe if we went to a park and dug a lake and then filled the lake with water and fish….”

“Or we could just go to a park.”

“Great idea, hyung!” Chanyeol gushes. “I just love being outdoors, we don’t even have to catch any fish!”

Chanyeol is so easily excitable, just like a child, and Joonmyun might just love that about him. His laughter is so infectious that Joonmyun doesn't even know what he's laughing about when they're staggering back inside because they're laughing so hard they can barely stand. 

It isn't until they're halfway back to Chanyeol's apartment building that Joonmyun notices, “We didn't see Seohyun at the party, did we?”

“Oh. You're right. We didn't.”

“Do you think she's trying to avoid you?”

Chanyeol shrugs and says, “She never really liked parties anyways. I think she only went because we wouldn't have spent any time together anyways.”

“Oh. I see.”

“God, I sound like I was an awful boyfriend, don't I.”

“Chanyeol….”

“No, it's okay. I know that she deserved better. She just wanted my time and affection, and I just couldn’t give it to her.”

“It sounds like Seohyun just wasn’t the one for you,” Joonmyun suggests kindly. 

“Yeah. I’ve realized by now that we were together because I was lonely, and she was there.”

“Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. You don’t have to force yourself to be with someone you’re not in love with.”

Chanyeol is quiet, and his face is troubled. “How do I know if I’m in love with someone though?” he asks.

Joonmyun thinks for a few moments before he answers carefully, “You’ll think about that person before you even think about yourself. You’ll want to do whatever it takes to make them happy.”

“And you're supposed to keep that up forever?”

“With the right person, it's not hard. It's supposed to feel natural.”

“I see,” Chanyeol says hollowly. He stops walking, though his building is still two blocks away. “Hyung, I’m sorry about what I did before. At the football game. Seohyun was there, and I just….”

“It’s okay, Chanyeol, I understand.”

“You know, hyung….maybe you and I should just date.”

Joonmyun laughs dryly. “Haha, very funny, Chanyeol.”

“From what you’ve told me about your relationship with Changmin, I think you also deserved someone who could have treated you better. Someone who doesn't like making you cry.”

The word _danger_ flickers on in neon lights in Joonmyun’s mind. Chanyeol takes a step closer, and Joonmyun instinctively backs away. 

“What are you trying to say, Chanyeol?” he asks warily. Chanyeol’s exactly the kind of guy Joonmyun could fall in love with, but there’s no way Chanyeol could love him, too. 

Chanyeol plants his hands on Joonmyun's shoulders to keep him from stepping away as he continues, “I could really use practice, being a good boyfriend.”

“Chanyeol, I–”

“I think we should practice dating with each other. So will you let me pretend to be your boyfriend, hyung? Just at least when we’re in public, please?”

The stone in Joonmyun’s throat sinks down into his stomach when he realizes what Chanyeol means. Chanyeol’s suddenly too close, tipping Joonmyun’s chin up so he can look imploringly into his eyes. Joonmyun can smell the alcohol on his breath, thick and cloying. 

“Okay,” Joonmyun agrees faintly, even though he sees heartbreak coming, like a storm from the shore. He knows that Chanyeol just wants someone to protect him from the loneliness of a breakup. Joonmyun’s just a placeholder, but he doesn’t mind. He’ll play along. For Chanyeol.

Chanyeol hugs Joonmyun, burying his nose into his soft hair so Joonmyun doesn’t see the sadness gathered there on his face. “You don’t even have to love me, hyung,” he promises softly.

“Do you still have any ice cream left?” Joonmyun asks, making the question sound bright to conceal the quaver in his voice. 

“I kind of already ate all the ice cream you brought over earlier.”

“Not before the football game, I hope?”

“Sorry.”

“Chanyeol,” Joonmyun sighs. 

“Sorry, I'm sorry,” Chanyeol laughs into Joonmyun’s hair. 

 

Chanyeol's foot comes into contact with something warm and solid when he stretches out, still half-asleep. “Sorry,” he mumbles instinctively. 

His eyelids slowly crack open, and he’s greeted with the sight of Joonmyun’s face soft in sleep and bathed in a golden light seeping through his bedroom curtains. Joonmyun looks like a dream, the kind that hurts the most after waking up.

Chanyeol wonders drowsily if Joonmyun is only a mirage because there’s no way for anyone to look that beautiful just by existing. He half-expects for his hand to pass right through when he rests his fingers on Joonmyun’s cheek. It feels like a small miracle when Joonmyun doesn’t dissolve under his touch.

Chanyeol’s hand passes from Joonmyun’s cheek to his chin, and he brushes the pad of his thumb over his bottom lip. Joonmyun’s mouth parts open automatically, allowing Chanyeol an unbearably intimate glimpse of white enamel shining in the darkness of his mouth. 

“I’m so sorry, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs, swallowing the tepid taste of cotton in his mouth. 

“Stop...apologizing….” Joonmyun croaks, his eyes still closed.

“How long have you been awake, hyung?!”

Ignoring his question, Joonmyun opens one eye to glare at Chanyeol. “Weren’t you supposed to sleep on the couch?”

“Huh. How did I end up here? I must have started sleepwalking again.”

“Back to your own comfy bed? How convenient.”

“I don’t know, but at least I’m here safe with you! One time I almost sleepwalked down the stairs.”

“How are you such a hazard to yourself,” Joonmyun groans.

“Good thing I’ve got you here to protect me, hyung!”

“Yeah okay.”

Chanyeol grins. Joonmyun is unexpectedly, but adorably passive-aggressive first thing in the morning. “Wanna get up?” he suggests.

“No.”

“Okay then, you can keep sleeping for however long you like, and I’ll get out of bed.”

“No,” Joonmyun refuses again. “You’ll hurt yourself if you leave this bed.”

“Don’t be silly, hyung. And how are you gonna stop me?”

Joonmyun grunts and rolls himself until he’s sprawled on top of Chanyeol, trapping him under the sheets. _This isn’t so bad_ , Chanyeol decides. He wouldn’t mind staying in bed, blanketed by Joonmyun’s solid warmth a little longer.

Chanyeol tries to make conversation, but Joonmyun only answers in low, raspy mumbles that hardly resemble language. Eventually, Chanyeol gives up talking to him and focuses instead on remembering the texture and temperature of his skin.

Joonmyun shifts and frowns when he feels something hard digging into his thigh. He reaches down instinctively to grab it. Chanyeol gasps and shudders, jerking away from Joonmyun.

“I’m gonna get out of bed now, if you don’t mind,” Chanyeol grimaces. 

A jolt of pain digs into Joonmyun’s temple and he closes his eyes to chase sleep again. It’s too early in the morning to make sense out of everything that happened over the past several hours, or what's happening right now. He drifts in and out of consciousness, waking up to the indistinct noise of running water and the low hum of a hair dryer before falling back asleep.

Even when Joonmyun is finally awake, it takes him some time to gather the momentum to haul himself out of bed. For a few minutes, he just stares at the black ink splotches on Chanyeol’s bedsheets. The sight of the dark stains is strangely endearing. Joonmyun’s mind reconstructs the image of Chanyeol drawing in bed and accidentally spilling ink from the tip of his cheap fountain pen he never quite got the hang of using.

Chanyeol is stirring boiling water into his instant oatmeal when Joonmyun finally emerges from the bedroom wearing one of Chanyeol's old t-shirts from high school.

“Good morning,” Joonmyun yawns, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Didn't want to wear the same clothes again. Hope you don't mind.”

“I don't!” Chanyeol says a little too quickly. “It looks good on you,” he adds softly.

Joonmyun makes a noncommittal little grunt and sits down cross-legged next to Chanyeol. He careens in his seat, leaning forward until he’s folded in half to rest his forehead against the coffee table. 

“Are you okay, hyung?! Can I get you something to eat? 

“I’ll have coffee.”

“Sorry hyung, I don’t drink coffee.”

Joonmyun lifts his head from the table to stare at Chanyeol in bewilderment. “You are really something else. Don’t tell me that you’re a morning person, too.”

“As a matter of fact, I am,” Chanyeol says proudly.

“You’re a monster.”

“I’ve been told.” Chanyeol grins, waggling his eyebrows, and Joonmyun gives him a good shove before burying his face in his arms.

“You’re taking me to Starbucks later.”

“Of course, babe.”

The words come off Chanyeol’s tongue so easily that it takes them both by surprise. Luckily, Joonmyun’s face is hidden in his elbow so that Chanyeol can’t see the sudden rush of heat to his cheeks. 

“You have a car, right?” Joonmyun asks.

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“So you can drive us to the park today?”

“Well, the thing is….” Chanyeol begins hesitantly, as though he’s picking his words with caution. “I did, but my car isn’t available for use right now.”

“You crashed your car, didn’t you.”

“It’s just being serviced at the moment!” Chanyeol says indignantly. “I don’t know why you have so little faith in me, hyung. Don’t you have a car?”

“I do, but I let Sehun borrow it on the weekend since he works out of town.”

“You trust him that much?”

“He pays for gas,” Joonmyun says simply. 

“I see. We could just take a bus,” Chanyeol suggests. 

A fleeting grimace passes over Joonmyun’s face, but Chanyeol doesn’t miss it. “What’s the matter, hyung? Don’t like public transit?”

“I’m okay with public transit, it’s just that every time I get on a city bus, people try to hit on me. They stand too close, or they try to ask me out and it makes me kind of uncomfortable.”

“Nobody’s gonna get close to you if I’m around,” Chanyeol promises solemnly. “You should maybe change your shirt though.”

“Why?”

Chanyeol doesn’t want to tell him that it’s because Joonmyun looks irresistible in a loose old t-shirt and messy hair. 

“I’m going to take you somewhere nice for brunch,” he makes as an excuse. “Since we're going on a date and all.”

“Oh. Okay. I almost forgot that we’re dating now,” Joonmyun says, absentmindedly smoothing down the crumpled hair at the back of his head.

“Jeez, hyung. How do you think your boyfriend feels about you saying something like that?”

Chanyeol’s tone is light, teasing. But for some reason, it suddenly strikes him that pretending to be Joonmyun’s boyfriend is coming to him more naturally than dating Seohyun ever did. 

 

“People must be going home for fall break,” Chanyeol comments, glancing at the suitcases squeezed against their knees on the bus. “Are you going home, hyung?”

“I’m still here, aren’t I?”

Nobody besides Chanyeol would laugh at half of Joonmyun's jokes, but it fills him with a strange kind of satisfaction when Chanyeol laughs at his half-assed attempts at humor. 

The bus comes to a sudden halt, and everyone on it lurches and knocks into each other.

“I always take up way too much room on buses,” Chanyeol says apologetically. “I apologize in advance for how many times I’m gonna bump into you, hyung.”

Joonmyun can tell that Chanyeol’s long legs are cramped and that he’s trying his best not to accidentally elbow the person sitting next to him. “It’s okay,” Joonmyun says, linking his arm through Chanyeol’s elbow and pulling him closer. He rests his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder and whispers into his ear, “You can invade my space any time.”

“Godammit, why are you so good at this?”

“Good at what?” Joonmyun asks innocently.

“Being all couple-y and shit. It’s not fair.”

“In time, you’ll learn.”

“I always feel like everyone else has had relationships where they know exactly what to do like it’s a fucking rom-com, but I’ve never been with anyone I could bring myself to do sappy shit with.”

“Chanyeol, not everyone experiences romantic attraction. You don’t have to force yourself to like it if it’s not your kind of thing.”

“But the thing is, hyung, I love that shit. I want to be in a cute relationship where we can hold hands and fawn over each other, but I just haven’t—”

“You haven’t met the right person yet?” 

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

As the bus approaches their stop, Joonmyun reaches for Chanyeol’s clenched fist, fitting his fingers in the grooves between his raised knuckles. His small palm barely covers the top of Chanyeol’s fist.

“You can hold my hand, Chanyeol. As practice for when you meet the right person.”

Despite Joonmyun’s offer, Chanyeol doesn’t hold onto his hand when they’re walking side by side towards the park. Which is understandable, since they’re only pretending to date. Joonmyun knows better than to get his hopes up too high. But for some reason, Chanyeol keeps colliding into Joonmyun when they’re walking next to each other, bumping and jostling him gently almost like it’s intentional. Joonmyun decides that Chanyeol is just really bad at walking in a straight line.

“You know what would be cool?” Chanyeol announces out of nowhere.

“What?”

“If I could get a park named after me.”

“Oh?” Joonmyun says politely, even though he can feel the bad joke coming from a mile away.

“Yeah. I would call it the Chanyeol Park. Or maybe the Park Park.”

“Shut the fuck up.” He’s laughing, but it’s mostly at Chanyeol’s sheer dumbness.

“Watch your language, hyung, there are kids around here,” Chanyeol warns.

They find a tiny decorative koi pond just past the playground, but Joonmyun restrains Chanyeol when he tries to get too close.

“What’s the matter, hyung?” Chanyeol laughs.

“You said that you wanted to go fishing. You can’t go fishing here.”

“I don’t even have any equipment with me!”

“You don’t need any more than your hands to go fishing.”

“Do you go fishing with your bare hands, hyung? That’s raw as fuck.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Chanyeol.”

Joonmyun tries to stare poker-faced at Chanyeol, but there’s that slow reveal of teeth that always makes Joonmyun’s heart stop and he ends up smiling too.

They sit by the edge of the pond, watching the fish swim around. Chanyeol keeps a polite distance between them, shifting when Joonmyun’s hand wanders too close to his knee. Soon enough, Joonmyun gets the message and keeps his hands to himself. He can’t help but feel a little bit disappointed, especially since Chanyeol had been so physically affectionate with him the night before.

Sunlight reflects from the tiny ripples of pond water, burning dark flecks into Chanyeol's vision. He blinks and looks instead at Joonmyun, who's staring at the sky while playing with blades of grass between his fingers. The sight of Joonmyun is somehow both soothing and exciting to Chanyeol at the same time—especially when he notices little things about Joonmyun he's never seen before, like the tiny scar on his eyebrow and the notes of red in Joonmyun's hair. 

A fuzzy black caterpillar crawls by, and Chanyeol scoops it up in his hands and offers it to Joonmyun like he just knows that it’ll freak him out. Joonmyun yelps and scrambles away from Chanyeol, scraping his elbow against a rock and smearing grass stains onto his palms in the process.

“Put that down, Chanyeol!”

“Why, hyung?” Chanyeol teases. “It’s so cute! It looks like one of your eyebrows.”

“Stay away from me, Chanyeol….”

He tries to back away, but Chanyeol follows him. He picks up the bristly caterpillar between his thumb and forefinger and drops it onto Joonmyun’s head. Joonmyun pales and his entire body goes stiff. There’s terror in his eyes when he feels the caterpillar crawling towards his hairline and onto his forehead.

“Chanyeol…please….” he begs, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Stay still, hyung.”

With one hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder for comfort, Chanyeol plucks the caterpillar off of Joonmyun’s skin and releases it onto the grass. He’s about to tease Joonmyun for being chicken hearted when he realizes that Joonmyun is actually shaken. 

“I’m sorry, hyung,” he murmurs, gathering Joonmyun into his arms. “I was just trying to tease you. I didn’t realize that I took it too far.”

“It’s fine, Chanyeol.”

Joonmyun rubs his elbow, which still stings from where the skin was scraped away. He applies more pressure to keep it from bleeding too much.

“Fuck, and you got hurt, too. Is your elbow okay?” Chanyeol asks worriedly.

“It’s just a scratch, I’ll wash it when I get home. It’s no big deal. You probably have worse injuries from playing football.”

“Yeah, but still. You got hurt because I was dumb, I can’t help but feel bad. Can I give you a kiss to make it better?”

“I’m not a kid, Chanyeol. And really, it’s okay, it doesn’t even hurt that much.”

“Can I give you a kiss to make _me_ feel better?” 

“Oh. Um, in that case, sure,” Joonmyun agrees reluctantly.

Chanyeol tilts Joonmyun’s chin up and closes his eyes, and before Joonmyun realizes what’s happening, he’s tasting the cinnamon gum Chanyeol had been chewing on in the bus. Chanyeol’s tongue slips into his mouth, and Joonmyun’s jaw goes slack. Chanyeol’s hands are shy, nervous as they smooth over the nape of Joonmyun’s neck and slide into his hair. And then Joonmyun feels the tip of Chanyeol’s tongue tracing the ridges at the roof of his mouth.

“What the fuck was that?” Joonmyun asks, gasping for breath. 

“I told you I was gonna kiss you, hyung.”

“You didn’t say it would be that kind of kiss!”

“Do I need to specify?”

Joonmyun just grumbles under his breath and tries to stand up. His knees crack, like an old man’s. “I’m going back to the playground, Chanyeol. You can find me on the swings if you need me.”

“Wait, hyung,” Chanyeol laughs, still sitting on the grass. “People will think you’re weird.”

He ignores him and continues walking towards the playground without a glance back in Chanyeol’s direction. 

Joonmyun smiles at the toddler on the swing next to his. She nods solemnly back at him and then leaps off the swing, brushing the mulch off her knees before running to the jungle gym instead. He watches as children scamper around him, letting his mind wander aimlessly. 

It's been long enough that Joonmyun wonders if Chanyeol left the park without him when he sees out of the corner of his eye someone settle onto the neighboring swing. 

“Hot dog?” Chanyeol offers. He has several bundles of tinfoil in his arms with a handful of red and yellow packets balanced on top. 

“Just how many did you get?”

Chanyeol frowns as he counts, “One….two….four….seven!”

“And how many were you planning on eating?”

“I can eat an indefinite amount of hot dogs, hyung. I was gonna grab three for each of us, but seven is a nicer number than six.”

“A nicer number.”

“Yeah, it's all prime and shit. Besides, good things come in sevens.”

“I haven't heard that one before,” Joonmyun chuckles as he grabs the top three hot dogs from Chanyeol's pile. 

“Have you heard of Pleiades, the Seven Sisters?” 

“I don’t think so. Tell me about it.”

Chanyeol's posture suddenly changes—he leans forward in excitement and looks directly at Joonmyun. The wild grin that appears is alarming and adorable in equal measures. 

“It's a cluster of stars that you can see from just about every inhabitable place on Earth. They're called the Seven Sisters because of Greek mythology and shit, but most people only see six of them. It's been used as an eye test, and some people can see even up to twenty stars!”

“Oh, that's really cool.”

“Yeah!” Chanyeol agrees enthusiastically. 

He goes on to explain how to find the star cluster relative to other constellations Joonmyun vaguely recognizes. Joonmyun nods and makes noises of interest, even though Chanyeol loses him after “make a V next to Orion.” 

More than anything, Joonmyun is following the barely contained excitement in Chanyeol's voice and the passion shining in his eyes. He's not even aware of how broadly he's grinning until he feels his cheeks start to pinch. 

Suddenly self-conscious, Chanyeol apologizes, “I got a little too excited there, I didn't mean to bore you with my nerd talk.”

“I don't mind. Tell me more,” Joonmyun says genuinely. He doesn't understand all of it, but he adores watching Chanyeol gush about things that matter to him. “What's your favorite constellation?”

Chanyeol takes a deep inhale and flashes Joonmyun that utterly disarming grin before continuing. 

“It's not exactly a constellation, but when my dad let me use his telescope for the first time on my 11th birthday, the first thing I identified on my own was the planet Jupiter. So I'd say that Jupiter is pretty special to me.”

“Do you have your own telescope now, or do you still use your dad's?”

“I've got my own now, of course! But usually I use the ones that the school owns. Have you ever been to our school's observatory, hyung?”

“I haven't actually.”

“There's this bigass telescope in the middle of the physics building that's powerful as hell. We're not allowed to use it without permission, but it's the coolest fucking thing. We could go take a look at it, if you want! I mean, only if you're interested, I don't want to make you bored or anything….”

“I'd love to,” Joonmyun says with a genuine smile. 

Chanyeol grins back at him with a hotdog stuffed in each cheek. “Thanks, hyung. I'm not used to anyone actually wanting to listen to me ramble about my nerd hobbies.”

A swarm of pint sized children crosses into their path when they're walking towards the gate of the playground. 

“Aren't they cute, Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks, and he waits expectantly for Chanyeol to make a comment. 

“Yeah, I guess….They're small, like thumbs.”

“Thumbs? That doesn't make them sound cute at all.”

“Yeah, kids aren't really my thing, hyung.”

“Is it because of your size, Chanyeol?”

“No, no, it's not my height that intimidates them or anything. I'm actually more scared of kids than they are of me.”

Joonmyun nods sagely. “I'm tutoring a class of elementary students downtown, but they're a sweet bunch of kids. I think you would like them if you met them.”

Chanyeol is about to insist that he really doesn't care for children, but something about Joonmyun's hopeful expression makes him change his mind. 

“I'd love to, hyung.”

They aren’t lucky enough to get seats on their bus ride back to campus, so Chanyeol is holding onto an overhead strap with one hand and Joonmyun's waist with his other hand. It's crowded on the bus, but Joonmyun feels safe nestled in the crook of Chanyeol's arm. 

“Hyung!” Chanyeol suddenly cries out.

“What's the matter, Chanyeol?”

“I just realized I never took you to brunch.”

“Don't worry about it, you bought me hot dogs, remember?”

“Yeah, but I want to take you somewhere nice for a real meal.”

“Are you sure you need practice dating, Chanyeol? You seem like a pro to me.”

“That's because it's you I'm dating, hyung.”

Joonmyun is silent, and Chanyeol asks, “Was that too much, hyung? I’m sorry, let’s just pretend that never happened.”

Joonmyun laughs softly and says, “I don’t mind cheesy.” 

His answer seems to satisfy Chanyeol, who hums to himself and guides Joonmyun out of the bus with his hand on the small of Joonmyun’s back. 

“By the way, hyung,” Chanyeol says when they’re outside their apartments. “I know we spent pretty much all day together, but I hope you wouldn’t mind hanging out with me again tomorrow.”

“Of course I don’t mind! I would love to spend more time with you.” 

Joonmyun’s heart swells with happiness, and it starts to sink in just how much he loves being around Chanyeol. His smile that takes up his entire face, the twitch of his nose when he laughs, and the way that he’s profoundly ridiculous and ridiculously profound in equal measures—Joonmyun can already anticipate the pain of missing these parts of Chanyeol.

“Okay, good,” Chanyeol continues excitedly, “because I signed up for a 5k tomorrow and I think it would be a lot of fun if we ran it together.”

“Wait, hold up,” Joonmyun laughs.

“It’s just for charity, so it’s not competitive! Not unless you want it to be.”

“Why do I have the feeling that you’ll make it competitive, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol grins sheepishly and asks, “So you’ll join me, right?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t been training to run a 5k.”

“But I see you jogging all the time?”

“You do?”

Chanyeol’s eyes suddenly go wide with alarm. “I mean, I’ve seen you once or twice,” he explains. “Not all the time, because that makes me sound like I’m a stalker or something. What I mean to say is that I can confirm that you have definitely exercised at least once or twice, which is more than enough preparation to run a 5k. Probably. Ah, I’m rambling again.”

“You’re so cute,” Joonmyun giggles, and the flustered look on Chanyeol’s face is enough to make him want to steal another kiss. 

“You’re cuter,” Chanyeol mutters.

“Why don’t we continue this discussion inside?” Joonmyun suggests. “You haven’t been in my apartment in a while.”

“You’re right, I haven’t! Can I see your room, hyung?”

Joonmyun thinks about the piles of dirty laundry littering the floor of his bedroom and decides, “Maybe next time, Chanyeol.”

“Wow, your apartment looks just like mine, hyung! Except that.” Chanyeol points to a mirror hanging in the foyer. “We don’t have a mirror there.”

“Yeah, Sehun installed it so he could do a final appearance check every time he leaves the house.”

“I don’t know much about Sehun, but….”  
“That’s pretty much all you need to know about him.”

“You guys seem close.”

“We put up with each other,” Joonmyun shrugs. “We’ve put up with each other since we were little kids.”

“Damn, how long have you guys known each other?”

Joonmyun looks up at the ceiling as he counts back the years.

“About eleven years? We’ve gone to the same school since elementary school.”

“And now you’re at the same college. That’s actually incredible, hyung.”

“Speak of the devil….” Joonmyun mutters when he hears the front door creak open. “Hey Sehun, what’s up?”

“Sup, hyung,” Sehun drones. “Hey, Chanyeol, what are you doing here?”

“I was just trying to convince Joonmyun-hyung to run a 5k with me tomorrow.”

“Oh, the one around campus that’s for charity? I joined a team with my soccer friends.”

“You play soccer?” Chanyeol asks at the same time Joonmyun asks, “You have friends?”

Sehun narrows his eyes at Joonmyun and explains, “I’m not on the team, but I’m close with some guys on it. Have you met Jongin, hyung? He has the same last name as you, but I don’t think you guys are related. He’s gay, just like you, hyung. I’ll introduce him to you sometime.”

“Okay, thank you, Sehun,” Joonmyun says quickly. He grabs a few bills out of his wallet and shoves them into his roommate’s hands. “Why don’t you grab us a pizza for dinner?”

“Sorry,” Joonmyun apologizes when Sehun has left. “The thing about being childhood friends with Sehun is that sometimes he turns back into a child when we’re together.”

“Maybe that’s why you’re so good with kids,” Chanyeol suggests, “since you’ve had so much practice with Sehun.”

“That’s true,” Joonmyun chuckles. “So what time exactly does this race take place?”

“I knew you’d agree to it!” Chanyeol says triumphantly, clapping his large hands on Joonmyun’s shoulders. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve got nothing better to do tomorrow anyways.”

“Don’t worry, hyung, I promise that we’ll do something more romantic next weekend.”

Chanyeol chatters away about next time—where he’ll take Joonmyun for their next date and the one after that, but Joonmyun is already thinking about the end. He reminds himself that he can’t let himself get too happy or else it will hurt even more when Chanyeol wants to stop playing pretend. It’s inevitable, that Chanyeol will leave him with only the memory of what it might be like to fall in love. Joonmyun doesn’t mind, since it’s nice to play pretend sometimes.

“Thank you for today,” Joonmyun says quietly when Chanyeol is about to leave. 

He hovers by Chanyeol as he’s tying his shoes, and he reaches out for a hug when Chanyeol stands up again. Chanyeol holds onto him so tightly it’s almost as if he's trying to communicate how much he doesn’t want to let go. Joonmyun doesn’t want to let go either. But when he finally pulls away, Chanyeol’s eyes are trained on Joonmyun’s face, half-lidded and flitting from his eyes to his lips and back to his eyes again. Joonmyun can tell that Chanyeol has been biting his lip from the way his lower lip is shiny and red and a little more swollen-looking than usual.

This time Joonmyun closes his eyes first and stands on his tiptoes to bring his lips up to Chanyeol’s, steadying himself with his hands on Chanyeol’s chest. It’s tamer than their kiss from before, but Joonmyun’s heart is gulping and constricting when he feels Chanyeol’s chapped lips move gently against his. He takes a peek at the mirror hanging on the wall to watch their reflections kissing, and it’s like a reminder that they’re really here, that this is really happening. They may only be pretending to be in love, but in this moment of weakness Joonmyun lets himself believe that it’s real.

 

“I don’t trust guys that wear shorts that short,” Sehun mutters into Joonmyun’s ear when they’re gathered at the starting line. He looks pointedly at Chanyeol’s tiny mesh shorts that are clinging to his barely-there ass and exposing most of his thighs. “And why are you guys both wearing fanny packs?”

“They’re not fanny packs, they’re hand warmers!” Joonmyun protests. He slips his hands into the fabric sleeve strapped around his waist to demonstrate. “I wanted us to match somehow, to show, you know, team spirit. You and your soccer buddies made matching t-shirts, so Chanyeol gave me one of his hand warmers so we could match.”

Chanyeol had explained that as a quarterback, it’s important for him to keep his hands flexible during football games, so he wears it to keep his hands warm while he’s waiting on the sideline. Right now, Chanyeol doesn’t seem too concerned about the chilly autumn weather. He’s wearing only a tank top and his conspicuously short shorts, compared to Joonmyun’s black compression turtleneck and running tights. Joonmyun’s also has on a pair of earmuffs on top of his beanie to protect his ears from the cold, but the tip of his nose and his cheeks are already a chilly red.

Surprisingly, Chanyeol doesn’t talk much when they’re warming up. Despite what he said earlier, Chanyeol seems to be taking the race seriously. There’s an edge to his dark eyes that Joonmyun has never seen up close, a sharpness like hunger. When he notices Joonmyun watching him, Chanyeol lifts one of the pads from Joonmyun’s ear and says loudly, “Is everything okay, hyung?”

“It’s fine, Chanyeol, I can still hear you with my earmuffs on. Are you excited for the race?”

“I’ll try to slow down for you, hyung, so you won’t have too hard of a time keeping up. It’s only three times around campus, but we can walk the last lap if you want to.”

“There’s no need to hold back, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun assures him. “You can try to win if you want to, I’ll just finish the race at my own pace.”

“I don’t care about winning,” Chanyeol declares, but he looks relieved. “Those soccer guys are pissing me off, though. Especially that one.”

“Which one?” Joonmyun asks, glancing over at the horde of tall, sinewy men wearing black t-shirts with “ _WE’VE GOT BALLS_ ” lettered on their chests. 

“That one.” Chanyeol glares at the tan-skinned soccer player waving shyly at Joonmyun. “The hot one that Sehun introduced to you.”

“Jongin is pretty handsome, isn’t he?”

He’s only teasing, but Chanyeol scowls, “Yeah, I’ll admit he’s kind of good looking, but football players have more stamina.”

“Do they really, though?” Joonmyun asks doubtfully. 

“I’ll show him when I win this fucking race.”

Chanyeol’s sense of competition turns out to be one-sided when he easily passes the soccer players, who are walking the whole race, like most of the other participants. 

“I knew that there was no way that Sehun would actually run an entire five kilometers,” Joonmyun pants, moving his feet quickly to keep up with Chanyeol's longer strides. “I don't think you need to worry about losing to the soccer team.”

“I don't wanna lose to anyone else, either,” Chanyeol grunts. He pumps his arms harder to accelerate, and Joonmyun sighs before taking quicker steps to follow. 

They’re ahead of the entire pack when Chanyeol looks down in surprise to find Joonmyun still by his side. “You’re still here, hyung? You’re keeping up pretty well.”

Joonmyun beams and runs ahead of Chanyeol, who’s breathing heavily from his full-out sprint for a head start. Chanyeol hisses when he feels a sharp, jabbing pain in his side and slows down to a jog. He watches Joonmyun shrink in the distance without even a glance back at him.

“No need to hold back, hyung,” Chanyeol groans.

Joonmyun is waiting for him behind the finish line with a first place medal around his neck and his hands stuffed in his hand warmer. Sunlight reflects from the cheap plastic gold, making it glint tauntingly at Chanyeol.

“Way to go, Chanyeol!” Joonmyun cheers as he watches him stagger across the finish line. “I’m afraid there aren’t any medals for 26th place, but way to finish strong!”

“As long as I beat those soccer bastards,” Chanyeol wheezes, blinking the sweat out of his eyes and doubling over in exhaustion.

“You sure did, Chanyeol. And you looked really cool coming across the finish line just now!”

“Oh yeah?” Chanyeol murmurs. The corner of his mouth tilts up in a half-smile. “What can I say, your boyfriend’s a fucking champion.”

Joonmyun takes off his medal and drapes it around Chanyeol’s neck instead. “You sure are, champ.”

There’s an entire table piled with post-race snacks for the runners, and Chanyeol pushes through the mob as Joonmyun waits at the outskirts of the crowd. He emerges triumphantly a few moments later with his hands full of bagels and bottles of Gatorade tucked in his elbows.

“Plain, blueberry, or cinnamon chip?” Chanyeol asks.

“I’ll take the one that you don’t want.”

“Come on, just choose one you like. Don’t try to be polite, hyung.”

“Fine, then I’ll take the one that you like the most.”

Chanyeol frowns and scrutinizes the bagels in his hands for a few seconds before offering Joonmyun the blueberry bagel. 

“Joke’s on you, hyung,” he snickers when Joonmyun takes a bite. “Because the blueberry one was the one I wanted the least.”

“Yeah, yeah, joke’s on me,” Joonmyun agrees, as if it wasn’t his plan all along.

They eat in silence, standing among the crowd of participants and spectators, Chanyeol standing guard as people approach Joonmyun to congratulate him for finishing in first place. Sehun, Jongin, Yixing, Lu Han, and a few other guys he doesn’t recognize give Joonmyun high-fives, ignoring Chanyeol hovering behind him. 

“Can I have your number, hyung?” Jongin asks shyly, holding his phone out for Joonmyun to enter his contact information.

“Here you go, Jongin. See you around!”

“See you too, hyung! And you too, Chanyeol!”

When Joonmyun is waving goodbye to his friends, he glances down and realizes that Chanyeol’s fingers are linked through his.

“How long have we been holding hands?!” Joonmyun exclaims, staring at their clasped hands in consternation.

“There's a lot of people around,” Chanyeol mutters. “I have to make sure I don't lose you in the crowd.”

“But you've been standing right next to me this entire time.”

“I have to make sure nobody tries to steal you away from me.”

“I'm all yours, Chanyeol.”

Joonmyun beams up at him, smiling in the way that creases his cheek and shows all his teeth. Even though it feels like they're reading from a script of what people in love are supposed to say, at the same time Chanyeol doesn't feel at all like he's putting on an act when he steals a kiss from Joonmyun's cold, flushed cheek. 

 

The first thing Chanyeol does when he's back in his own apartment is to hang Joonmyun’s medal on the player of the year trophy he won as a starting quarterback his freshman year. He has many more trophies just like it, but they're locked up in a glass case in his parents’ basement. After a while, the glittering gold plaques and trophies start to lose meaning after they’ve accumulated behind glass walls. But for some reason, Chanyeol treasures the cheap, gaudy medal as something precious that he’s earned.

He tosses his clothes into the hamper and is about to start running the faucet when Chanyeol hears a knock on the door. He wraps a towel around his waist and calls out, “Gimme a second!”

Joonmyun immediately starts apologizing when Chanyeol greets him with only a towel around his waist. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize—I’ll go back to my apartment, I am so sorry.”

“Wait, hyung.” Chanyeol catches him by the wrist before he can turn around. “Come on in, what’s the matter?”

He closes the door behind them, and Joonmyun tries very hard to not stare at Chanyeol’s bare chest and arms. It’s a test of willpower, but he dreads the thought of violating Chanyeol’s trust by being turned on by him.

“I was gonna ask if I could borrow your shampoo, since Sehun used up all of ours.”

“Sure, hyung. And if it’s more convenient, you can just take a shower in my bathroom so you don’t have to make another trip to return it.”

“Really?” Joonmyun asks, perking up like Chanyeol has offered him a real kindness.

Chanyeol likes that about Joonmyun, how he makes him feel like every little thing he does is special. Joonmyun makes him feel like he’s something special, and it’s a new feeling Chanyeol can’t get enough of.

“Go ahead, hyung, it’s no big deal.”

The burst of warm water on Joonmyun’s skin relaxes him instantly. There’s nothing like a warm shower after running in cold weather. He squirts shampoo into his palm and inhales its scent. It reminds him of Chanyeol. The soap he glides over his skin also reminds him of Chanyeol, and he’s so caught up in the intimacy of using Chanyeol’s products that he doesn’t realize that the man himself has entered the shower until the curtain is sliding back, letting hot steam escape.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Chanyeol asks, and Joonmyun yelps in alarm, almost slipping on the porcelain tiles.

“What are you doing, Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol slips into the shower stall and murmurs, “You were in here for a while, so I wanted to make sure you hadn’t passed out in the shower or anything.”

“Is that something that happens to you often?” 

“Once or twice, yeah.”

“I’m surprised you’ve managed to survive living on your own.”

“It’s lonely, but I’m still alive. I’m not so lonely anymore though.”

Chanyeol pushes his bangs away from his eyes and grins indulgently at Joonmyun. His arms are slick and glistening, and his wet black hair sticks to his forehead and ears. Joonmyun’s frozen in place, his mind a static buzz. Chanyeol chuckles quietly and reaches towards Joonmyun’s face to wipe the suds off his cheeks. The way that Chanyeol’s looking down at him through his wet, dark eyelashes is enough to make Joonmyun melt. He rests his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder and his hands on Chanyeol’s smooth, contoured chest.

“You got impatient, didn’t you?” Joonmyun asks quietly.

“Hmm?” Chanyeol closes his arms around Joonmyun, pulling him closer until their wet, naked bodies are pressed together. He can feel Joonmyun’s heart beating faster, but he decides not to comment.

“You were too impatient to wait for me to finish my shower,” Joonmyun continues. “That’s why you came in.”

“What? Oh—yeah. Sure.”

For some reason, it almost feels like Joonmyun is trying to reconstruct the truth so it fits within some mental boundary of his. But for Chanyeol, any kind of boundaries between them have long since vanished.

“Then I should get going. I’ve used up enough of your hot water, Chanyeol.”

“Oh, um, okay. Do you have clean clothes?”

“No,” Joonmyun groans, realizing just how silly and impulsive it was for him to shower in Chanyeol’s bathroom.

“Then you can borrow mine, hyung. You can wear my clothes and hold my hand when I’m too scared to hold onto yours first, and you can sit in my lap, hyung, so that everyone knows that you’re mine.”

Joonmyun hears the sound of Chanyeol’s voice, agonized and clear, but the words that he’s saying are incomprehensible, and Joonmyun fails to notice the weight of Chanyeol’s confession to him.

It’s then that Chanyeol whispers, “I love you,” and the bittersweet happiness that Joonmyun feels is enough to tear him in two. Joonmyun stays silent because he knows that if he says “I love you” in return, he would actually mean every word.

“It’s only been a weekend,” Joonmyun mumbles eventually, looking away from the expectant expression in Chanyeol’s eyes. “You don’t say ‘I love you’ if you’ve only been dating for two days. Even if you mean it, the other person won’t believe you. Words are cheap, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol’s face falls for a moment, and then he pieces a painful smile back together. “I’m so glad that we’re fake dating, hyung. Otherwise I would have learned that the hard way!”

“Yeah,” Joonmyun agrees.

The air between Joonmyun and Chanyeol is thick and heavy with opaque white steam and unspoken words. Hot water beats down on them, masking hot tears running down wet cheeks. 

 

 

Joonmyun's eyes are swollen when he wakes up, and his head is reeling. His sheets are in a crumpled pile at the foot of his bed from tossing and turning so much that he kicked them off in his sleep. 

It's only been two days since he last saw Chanyeol, four days since they started “dating,” but it seems almost as if the time has stretched out to weeks. For two days, Joonmyun felt happier than he could ever allow himself to feel, and now his heart is heavy with the repercussions. 

He never realized until now how little he sees of Chanyeol on a daily basis simply because their schedules rarely ever intersect. He would have to go out of his way just to catch a glimpse of him on his way to class, but he doesn't. They've both made it clear that they're not in a real relationship, so there's no need to be so invested. Joonmyun invested everything he had to love someone once, and he ended up with nothing all the same. 

Joonmyun knows better now. He knows that some things are too good to be true, and that the higher he climbs, the more it hurts when he falls. 

Another morning, another headache. The pain is focused along his temples, as usual. He needs better quality sleep and a few cups of coffee. Only one of the two is possible at the moment, so Joonmyun slides bonelessly out of bed. 

“Sehun, you're an angel,” Joonmyun yawns when he smells the coffee percolating in the kitchen. 

He looks around and realizes that he's alone. Sehun must have left the apartment just minutes ago. Joonmyun is accustomed to spending lots of time by himself, but he usually never feels lonely. For the first time in a long time, he really feels like he's alone. It's an empty kind of feeling that creeps into his skin. 

Having already completed the bulk of his graduation requirements for his degree in early childhood education, Joonmyun spends less time in classrooms on campus and more of his time in elementary schools downtown either student teaching or volunteering as a tutor. 

Since he doesn't have any classes on Tuesday, he's in a quiet corner of the library putting a lesson plan together when his phone starts vibrating in his pocket. 

It startles him; hardly anyone ever calls him except during emergencies. A glance at the screen tells Joonmyun that it's Chanyeol calling. He ends the call without picking up and texts him instead. 

_What's up, Chanyeol? Anything wrong?_

_where r u hyung?_

_I'm at the library, why?_

_where in the library?_

Joonmyun sighs and types, _A-level at a desk in the back by the big windows._

_ok thx hyung_

_You're welcome_ , Joonmyun answers with a puzzled frown. If Chanyeol had something so important to tell Joonmyun that he needed to say it in person, this would be the worst place to make a scene. 

Joonmyun returns his attention back to his lesson plan, since busying himself with work has always been his most reliable method of dealing with loneliness. Soon, he feels a light tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see Chanyeol with his hood up and a backpack slung on one shoulder. 

“What's up, hyung,” he grins, looking every bit like the cocky bastard Joonmyun once thought he was. 

“What do you want, Chanyeol?” Joonmyun whispers. “Keep your voice down.”

Chanyeol drops his backpack onto the floor and takes a seat across from Joonmyun. He takes off the headphones hanging around his neck and stashes them away into his backpack. 

“What do you mean, what do I want?” Chanyeol asks. “I just wanted to be around you. I missed you, hyung.”

He reaches across the table for Joonmyun's hand, but Joonmyun snatches his hand away and sits on it instead, pretending like he didn't notice Chanyeol's attempt. 

“It's only been two days. And I'm working on something right now, Chanyeol,” he mutters. 

“That's fine, I need to work on stuff too. Is it okay for me to share this desk with you?”

Joonmyun nods, returning his attention to his work. “As long as you're quiet.”

He silently berates himself for letting his crossness show, but Chanyeol seems to be overlooking it. Chanyeol pulls out a notebook and quietly makes marks in it with a black gel pen. A stolen glance shows Joonmyun numbers and equations beyond his comprehension in arranged in neat rows. 

Chanyeol's frowning slightly in concentration, his full lips pressed together in a stern line as he slouches farther and farther down into his chair. He's completely absorbed in his work, and now of all times, Joonmyun feels an imminent tug of attraction. As soon as Chanyeol looks up at him, Joonmyun looks away and directs his own attention back to his own tasks. 

He can feel the altered air between them—Chanyeol has gone from almost annoyingly transparent to completely unreadable. It’s like he's turning into a stranger. Joonmyun has seen this happen before, and he recognizes the signs. 

It's too quiet. Joonmyun's ears are ringing, so he slips his earbuds back in and turns up the volume of his music higher. He consciously tries to avoid getting distracted by Chanyeol, which is difficult because his presence is so strong, drawing Joonmyun in like a magnet. He finally gives into the urge to peek at him, only to catch Chanyeol watching him with quiet awe in his eyes. 

Joonmyun has seen that look before, but not in Chanyeol's eyes. Chanyeol's expression is the same as how men's eyes are painted in religious art when they're witnessing a miracle. The hushed reverence lasts only a fleeting millisecond. When Chanyeol notices that Joonmyun is looking back at him, his round eyes wrinkle playfully, and he smacks Joonmyun's arm a little too roughly. 

“Ow,” Joonmyun hisses. “Was that necessary?”

“Sorry, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs, ducking his head and rubbing the back of his neck contritely. “It seems like I can never control myself when I'm around you.”

“You're like a little kid, Chanyeol. Actually, my kids are better behaved than you.”

Chanyeol closes his eyes and clutches his heart. “Ouch, hyung. That hurts.” The words come out in a lazy drawl, and it suddenly occurs to Joonmyun again just how much he loves the sound of Chanyeol's deep voice. 

Joonmyun allows himself a small smile, and then he leans across the table to plant a quick kiss at the corner of Chanyeol's mouth. It seems that Chanyeol isn't the only one who can't help himself when they're around each other. 

Chanyeol's eyes are round again, and he rests his fingertips on the spot where Joonmyun lips touched him as though he can keep the kiss in place that way. 

“A kiss to make it better,” Joonmyun says quietly in explanation. He's trying to outrun his feelings, but he's tripping, stumbling, and a step away from falling flat on his face. 

A slow grin spreads lazily across Chanyeol's cheeks, and Joonmyun suddenly realizes what was off about him today. The light in Chanyeol's eyes—it was missing earlier, but it's sparkling playfully now behind his crinkled eyesmile. 

 

It still takes Joonmyun by surprise every time he finds himself holding hands with Chanyeol even after they’ve been doing this for a couple of months. There’s no reason for them to be holding hands in Chanyeol's living room at three in the morning, but Chanyeol claims that it helps him concentrate. 

They’re sitting side by side with their Macbooks on their laps and their fingers twined together. Chanyeol is finishing a project for a programming class due later that Thursday morning, while Joonmyun is putting the final touches on a paper due Friday night. He's running on a mocha latte with a double shot of espresso, but Chanyeol seems to be energized by pure fear alone. 

“Are you sure I should be here?” Joonmyun asks. “I feel like I'm just distracting you, since you haven't typed anything in an hour.”

“It's fine, hyung,” Chanyeol tells him, holding on more tightly to his hand. “I've just been proofreading. And I need you here next to me.”

“For what, moral support?”

“Exactly.”

Joonmyun sighs and stretches out, closing his laptop and stowing it away in his laptop. He stands up, but Chanyeol grabs onto his ankle to keep him from leaving his side.

“Where are you going, hyung?” 

“I’m hungry, I want to cook something.”

“Make something for me, too!”

“I don’t even know what I’m going to make yet, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun laughs. He opens Chanyeol’s fridge but finds little other than leftover pizza and fruit, neither of which could serve the purpose of keeping his hands busy. “What kind of ingredients do you have?”

“Not much besides what’s in the fridge,” Chanyeol apologizes.

“I don’t think two eggs is enough to make omelets for both of us.”

Joonmyun closes the fridge and opens the pantry instead, which is stocked with slightly more promising non-perishables. He finds a box of brownie mix on the bottom shelf and checks its label. The expiration date is only a month away.

“Brownies it is, then,” he announces.

After mixing the ingredients together, Joonmyun spreads aluminum foil across a cake pan and drops globs of brownie batter into it. 

“Can I lick the spoon, hyung?” Chanyeol calls out from the living room.

“You might get sick, Chanyeol. Raw eggs can contain salmonella.”

“Yeah but it's so worth it.”

Joonmyun sighs and squats down beside Chanyeol, handing him the mixing spoon. Chanyeol closes his eyes and makes appreciative noises when he licks the sticky, sweet batter off the spoon.

“Tastes amazing, hyung.”

“It’s a store bought mix.”

“Still. I think you made it taste even better.”

Chanyeol smiles broadly at Joonmyun, hoping it gets across that anything Joonmyun did would be special to him. Joonmyun yawns and sits down next to him, letting his head droop back onto the sofa in exhaustion. Chanyeol pulls him down so that Joonmyun’s head is resting in his lap instead. 

He strokes his fingers through Joonmyun’s hair, which is soft and slippery and almost amber under the warm lamplight. Joonmyun is still jumpy and hesitant around Chanyeol’s touch, but once he relaxes into it, he’s like putty in Chanyeol’s hands. Either that, or Joonmyun is too tired at this point to resist.

“Can you help me stay awake through this final stretch, hyung?”

“Mmmnnhh, sure.”

“Thanks, hyung. You’re like my own little cheerleader, you know.”

“I wouldn’t look good in a skirt, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun mumbles. His eyes are closed now, and he’s trying to say something else but his voice too weak to form words fully.

Chanyeol doesn’t have the heart to keep him awake, so he lets Joonmyun doze off in his lap, hoping and praying that this won’t be both the first and last time it happens. He furtively slips his phone out of his pocket and is about to take a photo of Joonmyun to make the moment last a little longer when Joonmyun’s eyelids flutter open.

“Don’t you dare,” Joonmyun grumbles, glaring up at Chanyeol with narrowed, sleepy eyes.

“I wasn’t gonna do anything!” Chanyeol protests with feigned innocence.

“Sure.”

Joonmyun slips into unconsciousness again soon enough, his lips parting gently in sleep. After a few minutes, he starts grinding his teeth, making a dreadful, obnoxious sound.

“Shhh, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs. He brings Joonmyun’s hand up to his lips and kisses it, and somehow that’s enough to quiet Joonmyun again.

The muted sound of Joonmyun’s quiet, steady breathing is enough to lull Chanyeol into a stupor, and he dozes off with his fingers still poised over his keyboard. Chanyeol falls asleep without realizing it, and before he knows it, a thick, opaque smoke has settled over their entire kitchen, and the fire alarms are blaring.

“Chanyeol! Chanyeol, wake up!” Joonmyun screams, shaking Chanyeol by the shoulders. His eyes are stinging with tears from both smoke and terror.

Chanyeol scrambles to his feet and races to the oven to turn it off. He grabs a newspaper and tries to fan the smoke away from the fire alarm, but Joonmyun pulls him by the elbow towards the door.

“Let’s just go, there’s too much smoke!” Joonmyun shouts over the earsplitting alarm. 

The entire street outside their apartment building is crowded with grumpy college students forced out of their beds in the middle of the night. All around them, people are complaining about the stupidity of whoever set off the fire alarm.

One voice in particular is especially loud as he grouses to anyone within earshot. Joonmyun picks out the voice as Baekhyun’s as he complains, “Who’s the fucking shithead who set off the fire alarm at four in the fucking morning? They’re probably trying to sabotage everyone who’s got that eight am physics final today!”

Joonmyun’s stomach sinks with guilt, since sabotage was the last thing on his mind when he accidentally left his brownies in the oven for too long. He flinches when he feels Chanyeol’s arm snake around his waist to hold him close.

“That fucking asshole!” Chanyeol agrees loudly. “Who the fuck does that!”

Joonmyun looks up at him in surprise and then cracks a smile when Chanyeol winks at him before continuing to yell obscenities in agreement. 

After the fire trucks have vacated the street half an hour later, the horde of disgruntled students starts to file back into the building. Chanyeol’s kitchen still reeks of smoke and burnt food when they return, so Joonmyun invites him to his apartment instead. 

“Sehun’s probably asleep already, so he wouldn’t mind.”

“Thank you so much, hyung. You can go to bed now if you’re tired, I’ve just got a few lines of coding left to finish. I can sleep here on the sofa, and I’ll be out of here before you wake up.”

“I’m honestly not tired anymore after all that excitement,” Joonmyun confesses. “So I can wait here with you!” He adds quietly, “It’s been a couple of months since we started dating, so I don’t mind sharing a bed with you.”

“Really, hyung?”

“But it’s only because you’ll probably end up sleepwalking back to my bed anyways,” Joonmyun clarifies.

“I’ll take it,” Chanyeol grins, following Joonmyun into his bedroom.

Leaning his head against Chanyeol’s shoulder, Joonmyun stretches his legs out under his comforter and drapes one over Chanyeol’s leg. He’s completely curled around Chanyeol as he watches him add strings of white script to a little black window on his computer screen.

From the time they’ve spent together, Chanyeol has noticed many things about Joonmyun, some things that amuse him, others that fascinate him, and a few things that still puzzle him. One of those things is how Joonmyun is so clearly fond of skinship, yet he’s always startled or even anxious when Chanyeol initiates it. 

Closing his laptop with a flourish, Chanyeol roars, “I finished!” 

“Way to go, Chanyeol!” Joonmyun beams. “I knew you could do it!”

“With four hours left to spare before the deadline,” Chanyeol sighs happily. “Now I can peacefully sleep in.”

“Yeah.”

After turning the lights off they’re silent for a few moments, and then Chanyeol turns to Joonmyun in the darkness and admits, “I’m actually too excited to sleep now.”

“Same here,” Joonmyun giggles.

Chanyeol reaches for the bedside lamp to turn it back on, illuminating the room with a soft amber light. “Hey hyung,” he asks in a low voice that catches Joonmyun off guard. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Hmmm?”

“Do you not like it when I touch you?”

A jolt of adrenaline surges through Joonmyun’s body. “What do you mean, Chanyeol?”

“I don’t know, it’s just that you seem to freak out when I try to touch you, whether if we’re alone or in public. Even if it’s just to hold your hand. I don’t wanna do anything to you that makes you feel uncomfortable, hyung. So please tell me if I need to stop.”

“It’s not that.” 

Joonmyun tries to fabricate an excuse, one that doesn't expose how Chanyeol's touch reminds him of how painfully temporary all of this is. The warmth and feeling of Chanyeol's affection fills him with a kind of happiness that hurts because Joonmyun knows that it will soon be over, and they'll continue with their lives like it never happened, since they were never in love to begin with. 

He takes too long to answer, and Chanyeol tips Joonmyun's chin up to look directly into his eyes. 

“Then what?” Chanyeol asks softly. 

“I think I'm just not used to it yet,” Joonmyun decides. A reasonable excuse. “So it still catches me off guard.”

“Oh?” Chanyeol lifts a brow in interest. “You've gotta get used to my touch, hyung. So people don't think I'm harassing you when I'm trying to touch my boyfriend.”

His words are light, but his eyes are dark and his velvety voice is suddenly rough and thrilling. 

“Then what do you suggest?”

“Can we practice touching, hyung?” Chanyeol whispers, and the sound of his voice curls around Joonmyun, constricting him with desire. 

“I don't think that's a good idea, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun says quietly, though his body aching in protest. He wants Chanyeol so badly that it hurts, and for a second it almost seemed as if Chanyeol wanted him too. 

A grimace passes over Chanyeol's face for a second, and then he tells Joonmyun, “It doesn't have to mean anything.”

Joonmyun is almost relieved to hear him say those words, because it reminds him of his place. The last thing he needs right now is to confuse his heart into falling even more irrevocably in love with Chanyeol. 

“Okay then,” Joonmyun agrees, and Chanyeol's eyes widen briefly in surprise. 

“Really, hyung?”

“You can do whatever you want to me.”

“You gotta tell me if I'm doing something to you that you don't like, though.”

“I promise,” Joonmyun says, and there's as much happiness in the smile he gives Chanyeol as there is pain. 

Chanyeol swallows nervously and he props himself up on one elbow to look down at Joonmyun. He's almost afraid of touching Joonmyun, like he's a masterpiece hanging in an art gallery that you can't stand too close to. But Chanyeol summons the courage to place his palm on Joonmyun's chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing under the soft fabric of Joonmyun's shirt. 

“I know you can be bolder than that,” Joonmyun teases him. 

“I think our clothes are in the way,” Chanyeol suggests, trying to sound coy to disguise how terrified he is. 

When their shirts are on the ground, Chanyeol lets his hands roam nervously across Joonmyun's defined chest and abs, noting the way his stomach caves and his tiny gasp when Chanyeol's thumbs brush over his nipples. His fingers come to a rest, splayed across Joonmyun's alabaster skin, and Chanyeol asks, “How is it?”

“More,” Joonmyun breathes. “You can do more.”

“Where do you want me to touch you?”

“Anywhere you want.”

“How do you want to be touched?”

“You're a guy. You know what feels good.”

For a second, Joonmyun wishes he could retract his statement. Chanyeol has never hinted at being sexually attracted to men, so there was no reason for Joonmyun to assume that he would be interested or willing to do that kind of touching. But to his surprise, Chanyeol's long fingers stray all the way down to the elastic waistband of Joonmyun's boxers. 

“Is this really okay?” Chanyeol asks. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”

“You don't actually have to touch me like that if you don't want to,” Joonmyun insists. 

“I'm asking you if you want me to!” Chanyeol says, suddenly breaking into a grin. “Come on, hyung, you're making this way harder than it should be.”

The tension between them dissolves, and it's like they're trying to pick a tv channel to watch or a restaurant to eat at. It feels comfortable, like they're falling into an old routine. 

“You really don't have to do this,” Joonmyun warns one last time. 

“Hyung, I wouldn't be doing this right now if I didn't want to,” Chanyeol says slowly, as though his patience is running paper thin. “I just want to know if you're okay with it or not. Yes or no?”

Joonmyun answers with a meek, “Yes.”

“Thank you, hyung,” Chanyeol sighs. “I'm glad that you trust me.”

He lifts his hips to let Chanyeol peel his boxers away from his legs, and suddenly Joonmyun is completely exposed. Chanyeol doesn't say anything for a few long seconds, and Joonmyun squirms, feeling suddenly insecure. 

“I know it's not what you're into, but yes, I have a dick,” Joonmyun says finally. 

“You've got a fucking hot bod, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs admiring the firm muscles in his abdomen. “Damn.”

“Did I have to get butt naked for you to realize that?” Joonmyun asks incredulously. 

“Well, you're always covered up in grandpa sweaters and shit. And the way you act….it doesn't really fit. I don't know, it's kind of hard to tell sometimes.”

“I don't even know what to say.”

“You don't need to say anything, hyung.”

Chanyeol's between Joonmyun's thighs now, leaving kisses on the soft skin he's never seen before. He relishes every twitch and gasp, holding Joonmyun's legs steady when they start to shake. His lips travel farther and farther up Joonmyun's thighs, and Joonmyun cries out, “Wait!”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“It's not that….it's just….If this is what we're doing, I don't have to be the only one here who feels good. You can put it inside me, if you want.”

Chanyeol's eyes are as round and wide as saucers. “Are you sure, hyung? Are you okay with that? Is that, um, what you usually do?”

“I do both, but it'll probably be more enjoyable for you to put it in me.”

Chanyeol is so adorably out of his depth that he can only nod dumbly as Joonmyun retrieves a bottle of lube from his dresser. When he returns back to bed, he also hands Chanyeol a foil packet. 

“I'm ready when you are,” Joonmyun tells him. 

“Can I kiss you?”

“You don't have to ask.”

The taste and feeling of Chanyeol's tongue is even more maddening now when Joonmyun is so desperate to be touched. Though Chanyeol was infuriatingly hesitant before, he seems to have recovered his rhythm as he bears his weight on Joonmyun and moves his body against his. He pins Joonmyun's wrists against the mattress, preventing him from reaching down to touch himself. The only friction Joonmyun receives is the rub of fabric when Chanyeol grinds his clothed crotch against Joonmyun's naked cock. 

“That's not fair,” Joonmyun groans. 

“What?”

“You're still wearing clothes.”

Chanyeol smirks before leaning away to remove the last thin layer of clothing covering his body. It startles Joonmyun, in a pleasant kind of way, when he sees that Chanyeol is also half-hard already. 

“I’m going to prepare myself, and you should too,” Joonmyun instructs as he grabs the plastic bottle of lube to dispense clear gel onto his palm. 

They've surpassed the point of no return when Joonmyun is three fingers wide and three knuckles deep, Chanyeol watching him slack-jawed and unbelievably turned on.

“I'm ready,” Joonmyun grits out. 

It's been awhile since he's been entered, and Joonmyun feels at first a white hot burning, and then he's achingly full. 

“Did you get hard just from me being inside you?” Chanyeol asks with awe. 

“Shut up,” Joonmyun hisses. 

His mind is smooth, motionless as his body moves on his own. Chanyeol grabs onto his thighs, and Joonmyun meets him thrust for thrust. He feels both Chanyeol's strength and tenderness from the way he's rough and reverential in equal parts to Joonmyun’s body. 

“Fuck,” Chanyeol groans, “I'm gonna come.”

“Harder,” Joonmyun pleads. “Fuck me harder.”

He's been reduced to a writhing mess when Chanyeol collapses on top of him, with Joonmyun's cock still heavy and erect squeezed between them. 

“How was it?” Joonmyun asks, running his fingers through Chanyeol's hair.

“Fucking amazing, what the fuck,” Chanyeol laughs. “But we're not done yet.”

Chanyeol tosses the condom into the wastebasket and then positions himself between Joonmyun's legs again. He grabs Joonmyun's cock and brings it to his lips.

“Wait, what are you doing Chanyeol?”

“Returning the favor.”

“You really don't have to do that if you don't want to!”

“Hyung, I've made up my mind already. So shut up and let me make you feel good.”

Putting another man's cock in his mouth was never something Chanyeol ever envisioned himself doing, but he's been on the receiving end enough to know what feels good. It's worth it when Joonmyun climaxes with a shudder, clinging onto Chanyeol's shoulders and moaning his name. 

“Damn,” Chanyeol murmurs, wiping his mouth and feeling pride swelling up inside of him. “If I was your boyfriend, I'd never be able to keep my hands off you. Why didn't we ever have sex earlier, hyung?”

The guilt is already settling in as he comes down from his high. It takes a moment for Joonmyun to catch his breath, and then he answers, “Because we're not in love.”

Chanyeol falls asleep quickly afterwards, but for a long time, Joonmyun stares at the ceiling, lying awake in pieces. 

 

December sneaks up on Joonmyun and before he knows it, he's battling through another round of final exams and making plans for the holiday break. By now he’s perfected the art of scheduling bus rides and booking flights, and he even takes care of Sehun's travel arrangements so they can take the same flight back to Korea. 

“But this is absolutely the last time I'm doing this for you,” Joonmyun warns him when they're eating out with their friends on the last day of break. 

“Wait, so Sehun and Joonmyun-hyung both live in Korea?” Chanyeol asks with a French fry halfway to his mouth.

“They're both international students gone wild after coming to the US,” Baekhyun answers, eyeing the French fry between Chanyeol's fingers. It's the last one on the table, and Chanyeol doesn't seem interested in it, so Baekhyun snatches the fry and pops it into his own mouth. 

“Hey!” Chanyeol smacks Baekhyun, probably intending to be gentle, but the entire table hears the dull thump. 

“Ouch!” Baekhyun whines. “I don't care if you're a football player, you're way too rough, Park!”

“Guys,” Joonmyun sighs in exasperation. “We can order more fries, it's no big deal. But I can't believe you guys finished an entire basket before the others have even arrived!”

“You ate like half of them, hyung,” Baekhyun points out.

“Who else is coming?” Chanyeol asks.

“Sehun invited Jongin and Yixing,” Joonmyun tells him. 

“Are those his soccer friends?”

“Please don't be an ass to them. I know that you don't like them for some reason, but they've supported your team at all of your football games. So have some good sportsmanship.”

Sehun's standing up, waving at Jongin and Yixing, who have just entered the restaurant. The soccer players greet everyone at the table politely before taking their seats. Yixing looks stylish and professional in a crisp white dress shirt and a skinny black tie, but Joonmyun is looking at Jongin, who's wearing a fuzzy brown sweater and matching earmuffs. It's also the first time Joonmyun has seen him wearing glasses. He vaguely reminds Joonmyun of a teddy bear. 

“Sorry we're late,” Yixing apologizes. “Jongin and I just came from a holiday party.”

“I won the ugly sweater contest,” Jongin says, but he's frowning as he takes off his earmuffs. 

“Guys listen,” Yixing adds, and it's clear that he's trying not to laugh. “Jongin didn't even know there was an ugly sweater contest going on! He was just wearing one of his normal sweaters!”

Chanyeol bursts into laughter and says, “Joonmyun-hyung also wears a lot of ugly sweaters.”

“Yup,” Sehun confirms. 

While everyone else is laughing at their expense, Joonmyun turns to Jongin and tells him, “I think you look cute in your sweater.”

Jongin's cheeks are already pink from the cold, but he flushes an even deeper russet.

“Thanks, hyung,” he murmurs, ducking his head shyly and letting his floppy chestnut bangs fall into his eyes. He peeks up at Joonmyun and manages to stammer, “I think you're cute, too, hyung. I mean….” Jongin glances at what Joonmyun's wearing, a loose old sweatshirt with frayed cuffs. “Your sweatshirt is cute. You look cute in it.”

“Oh, thanks.” Joonmyun absently picks at the fading letters on the front of the sweatshirt. “It's actually Chanyeol's.”

Jongin's eyes go wide, and he glances from Joonmyun to Chanyeol and back to Joonmyun again. “Wait, is Chanyeol….? Are you and Chanyeol….?”

“We're not dating,” Joonmyun says firmly, making a decision that just about shatters his heart. It's the first time anyone has asked that question directly, the first time he's had to answer it aloud. 

The table goes silent, and Chanyeol's mouth opens in shock before he bites onto his lower lip in agitation. A frown presses into his forehead, and he looks down. When he feels four pairs of eyes staring at him, Chanyeol forces a smile and announces, “It was nice seeing you guys, but I've got a flight to catch tomorrow morning.”

He gets up and leaves without even looking at Joonmyun. 

For a few seconds, Joonmyun is frozen. And then he shoves his chair into the table and follows Chanyeol. He’s nowhere in sight when Joonmyun leaves the restaurant, reminding him bizarrely of how different the lengths of their strides are. By the dim light of streetlamps dotting the avenue, Joonmyun sees a tall silhouette a block away and walks quickly after him.

“Chanyeol! Chanyeol!” he calls out, increasing his pace to a jog.

He doesn’t stop until he’s close enough to reach out and touch Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“Hyung?” Chanyeol asks in a flat, gravelly voice. It’s too dark to see Chanyeol’s eyes under his hood, but his lips are red and swollen.

“Chanyeol, we need to talk.”

“Okay.”

Joonmyun hesitates, and suggests, “Why don’t we talk about it inside somewhere?”

“If you have something to say, you can say it here, and then you can go back to Jongin and everyone else. I’m sorry I ruined dinner.”

There is so much on Joonmyun’s mind that he can’t verbalize here, on a dark street corner in the middle of the city. Things that he couldn’t possibly confess to Chanyeol, like how he’s been completely wrecked from all the times he’s faced Chanyeol first thing in the morning and seen his messy hair and drowsy eyes. Maybe it’s selfish of him to want all of Chanyeol, or none at all. But this middle ground, it’s fracturing under his feet.

“Fine,” Chanyeol eventually sighs. “Since you don’t have anything to say, then I’ll say it. I’m sorry. I’m selfish and lonely and sad, and I’m sorry for forcing you to act like you were in love me for so long.”

“Chanyeol….”

“I owe you an apology, hyung. It was unfair and so damn selfish to make you do this with me, even though you never had feelings for me to begin with. So go. Go back to dinner to dinner with everyone, and go date Jongin so you can be with someone you might actually fall in love with.”

Chanyeol turns around and keeps walking before Joonmyun can see the tears that have begun to drip down his face. He knew something like this would happen eventually, but he didn’t anticipate just how much it would hurt. 

It was naive of him to believe that Joonmyun might fall in love with him the way that he’s clumsily stumbled into love with Joonmyun. But he accepts and respects this as the end of their agreement, and he tries to forget all the hope he ever had.

He blasts music through his speakers when he’s back in his apartment, a silly lovesick melody looped on repeat to drown out the sound of his sobs. The last time Chanyeol cried this hard, Joonmyun heard it through the walls.

 

The man in the bed isn't Joonmyun's father. No, Joonmyun's father wasn't this gaunt when he last saw him over the summer—his skin didn't hang this loosely from his bones, and his arms didn't look like they could snap like twigs.

“Mr. Kim, can you hear me? Do you know where you are right now?” Dr. Lee asks slowly and clearly. 

Joonmyun's father opens his eyes, and shakes his head. 

“You're in the hospital,” the doctor explains. “Do you know what holiday we're about to have?”

Another weak shake of his head. 

“What about the month, do you know what month it is? No? Okay, how about the year? Do you know what year it is, sir?”

He's still unable to respond, so Dr. Lee explains to him patiently what year it is and that Christmas is the next day. Finally he points to Joonmyun and asks, “Do you know who this man is?”

For a few long seconds, Joonmyun's father just stares at him blankly. Dr. Lee prompts him gently, “He's your son, sir. Do you remember what his name is?”

“Joonmyun. Dad, it's me,” Joonmyun says when his father doesn't answer. 

A nurse enters the room to report to the doctor that Joonmyun's father refused medication and treatment that morning. “He was very irascible,” she explains. 

“I see,” the doctor says. “Thank you.”

“How long has he been in here?” Joonmyun asks quietly. He's almost shaking with fear and anger. Nobody told him that his father was in the hospital until he returned home. 

“About a week. He's been having episodes of confusion for a couple of months now, but this is the first time it's lasted more than a day or two.”

Joonmyun's mother returns carrying food from the cafeteria. She tries to hand Joonmyun a bowl of instant ramen, but he refuses. 

“Come on, you've got to eat something, honey,” she pleads. 

“I'm not hungry.” 

He's sick to his stomach seeing his father so helpless and decrepit like this, but he's even more troubled about being left in the dark for so long. 

“Please? You haven't eaten anything all day.”

Joonmyun sees the desperate, imploring look in his mother's eyes and remembers that he's not the only one who's been torn up by this. It shocked Joonmyun to find out about his father’s sudden onset of dementia symptoms, but his mother is the one who has had to take care of him this whole time. 

“I'm sorry,” Joonmyun murmurs contritely, accepting the styrofoam bowl of noodles from his mother's hands. “I'll try to eat as much as I can.”

“As for the final step of the diagnosis,” Dr. Lee begins, but Joonmyun's mother is shaking her head before he can finish his thought. 

“No. We're not going to do a lumbar puncture,” she says firmly. 

“I understand,” Dr. Lee nods. “I'll be back in to check on him later after I figure out plans for his discharge with his case manager. It was nice to see you again, Mrs. Kim, and it was good to meet you, Joonmyun. Have a happy Christmas.”

Joonmyun turns to his mother as soon as the doctor leaves. “Why did you refuse him?”

“My sister had multiple sclerosis, so I'm familiar with the procedure,” she explains gravely. “It's not worth the suffering he'll have to go through.”

“I see.” Then he asks quietly so his mother won't think he's angry with her, “If this has been going on for months, why didn't you tell me anything?”

“Joonmyun, honey, I just didn't want to make you even more worried when you have so much on your plate already with your last year of school.”

“But mom, dad's health is important to me. You don't need to hide this kind of thing from me! I'm 21 years old, you don't need to protect me.”

She smiles sadly and holds onto Joonmyun's hand. He realizes for the first time how loose and wrinkled the skin on her cold hands are. There are more streaks of gray through her black hair than he remembers seeing last summer, and a few more crevices in her forehead, but she's still so beautiful. 

“I know,” she says softly. “I was afraid that you would try to come and protect me instead. I know you, Joonmyun. I know you would have dropped everything and rushed back home to take care of your father, because that's what kind of person you are. You bend over backwards for the people you love without even thinking.”

“Mom….”

“You really are your father's son, Joonmyun,” she says with a sad smile. 

They sit in silence, watching Joonmyun’s father fall back asleep before his mother asks, "Joonmyun, have you figured out what you want do after you graduate?"

"Once I get my teaching degree, I'm going to teach, of course."

"But where? Are you going to stay in the states, or are you going to come back home? You know, there's a high demand for people who can teach English in Korea. You could make a good income just by giving private lessons."

"I know, mom, but I've always wanted to teach in a classroom setting."

"Of course, honey! It was just a suggestion. You could get some really great job offers since you were educated abroad, and at such a great university too. But please, Joonmyun, consider coming back home and settling down while your father is still himself."

"Okay, mom, I'll think about it."

"We've never pressured you to come back home to spend time with your family, since it was always our hope that you would have the most freedom to learn and grow by studying in another country. But Joonmyun, it would break my heart if we lose your father for good by the next time you came back home."

"Mom, don't say that....He has plenty of time left. He's not even that old, and he's taken care of his body well his entire life."

"Dementia runs in the family, Joonmyun. That's a fact we've had to face. As healthy as your father looks on the outside, he's been getting worse."

"I see."

"Joonmyun, nothing would make me happier than to see you settle down and raise your family close by. I know you probably have girls back at school you've gotten involved with, but if you don't have any long term plans with any of them, I know a few young women I could introduce you to."

"Mom," Joonmyun laughs. "I haven't met anyone I plan to marry, if that's what you're hinting at. And isn't it a bit early to be talking about this?"

She wrings her hands and folds her elegant fingers together, admitting shyly, "I won't even tell you how long I've been thinking about grandchildren."

"I don't think I want to know."

Joonmyun's mother sighs and looks out the window at the pale blue sky. "Joonmyun," she says suddenly. "Do you remember your friend Seulgi from elementary school?"

"I wouldn't call her a _friend_ , since we were never that close. But I think so. She's the one whose parents are doctors, right?"

"Yes, and she's studying to be a doctor now too! Her mom told me yesterday that Seulgi also just got back home for winter break. I could set up a date for you, if you want. It would be good for you to go out and enjoy yourself during your weeks off. You shouldn't spend your entire holiday at your father's bedside."

"Okay, mom," Joonmyun finds himself agreeing.

"Wait, you'll really go on a date with her?" his mother asks, her eyes lighting up.

"Sure."

"Joonmyun, you've always been so finicky about girls. Why are you making it so easy for me now?" Her tone is playfully accusatory, but Joonmyun can tell how pleased she is.

"Hold on mom, I only agreed to a date, and nothing else!" he laughs. Seeing a little bit of the worry melt away from her mother's face reminds Joonmyun of just how much she has gone through for the sake of their family, and how he would do anything to pay her back just a little bit in happiness.

 

"Wait, Seulgi? _Kang Seulgi_? As in the hot one who isn't ever interested in anyone?" Minho, Joonmyun's best friend from high school, asks incredulously.

"Yeah, unless there's some other Seulgi we went to elementary school with."

Minho grabs onto the edge of the café table and leans back, squinting at Joonmyun with suspicion.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Joonmyun giggles, reaching across the table to slap Minho's elbow.

"Just making sure that you're the same weird, tiny hyung I've known for fifteen years."

"I was taller than you in middle school!"

"Yeah, for like a year before I caught up, and then you started making me call you hyung."

"Alright, let's stop talking about middle school," Joonmyun decides.

"Yeah, let's talk instead about how you're dating Seulgi now! Just— _how_?"

"Well, I already told you about how my dad was in the hospital on Christmas. My mom didn't want to cook a big meal since it would have been just the two of us, so she and I were just going to spend the night at the hospital with dad."

"That's so sad. But go on, what about Seulgi?"

"Yeah. Anyways, Seulgi's mom is apparently close with my mom now, so she invited us over for dinner and gave us leftovers to take to the hospital for my dad."

"Okay, so your families had dinner together. That doesn't count as a date."

"No, let me finish! I asked Seulgi out to dinner to give thanks to her family, and we really hit it off on the first date, so we've been out together a few more times since."

Minho crosses his arms, reluctantly impressed. "Who knew you would be the one to thaw her cold heart, hyung?"

"What do you mean? She's such a sweet girl."

"But she's turned down every guy who has ever asked her out since middle school, when she said she wasn't allowed to date. And then in high school, she was too focused on getting into college to make time for boys, but now that we're in college, she's too busy with her studies!"

"How do you know all of this?"

"Because those were her exact excuses when she rejected me!"

"Just how many times did you ask her out, Minho?"

"Never mind that," Minho dismisses with a wave of his hand. "So are you guys official, or is this just a winter break thing?"

"Well, we both agreed it would be difficult to keep dating while we're in different hemispheres. But I'm moving back to Korea after I graduate in the spring, so hopefully we'll be able to pick up where we left off."

"Wait, hold up. You're moving back here?"

"Yeah, why?"

"But, hyung, we've talked for so long about all the places you wanted to live after you graduated. The only place you've said that you didn't want to go is back home."

It's true. Joonmyun was the first in his family to study abroad, and he's always dreamed of traveling the world and teaching children in countries nobody in his family has ever stepped foot in. But that dream of his, it feels so distant now, like it was the product of someone else's imagination. It's hazy and blurred around the edges, obscured by a thick mist of memories between the present and the past.

"Yeah," Joonmyun agrees quietly. "I did want to travel and explore the world, but I've recently started thinking about how my choices will affect people other than myself."

Minho's face, expressive as always, goes indignant. He's looking at Joonmyun now like he's been betrayed. "Hyung. All the stuff you've talked about when we were kids, about going out and seeing the world....Whether you realize it or not, your words have really stuck to me. You've been my role model and my inspiration my whole life, hyung."

"I'm sorry," Joonmyun whispers, feeling torn between happiness and defeat at Minho's confession. "I didn't mean to disappoint you. But you've still got the chance to explore the world on your own! Don't give up on your own dream, Minho."

"Yeah....Hey, hyung, I was so excited to tell you this when I first found out, but I completely forgot about it when we actually met up again."

"What is it, Minho?" Joonmyun asks, thankful for the change in topic.

"I just got accepted into a study abroad program in India!"

"That's great, Minho! Congratulations!"

Minho grins wide, and Joonmyun feels a genuine surge of happiness for his friend.

"Thanks, hyung. I thought that you'd be proud of me."

"I am. India is a beautiful country, and I think you'll have the time of your life."

"Yeah," Minho sighs. "My only regret is that we won't be experiencing it together."

"I'm sorry, Minho," Joonmyun apologizes again.

"Actually, now that I think about it," Minho begins, his eyes lighting up with realization. "It isn't impossible, is it? Couldn't you take a year off after you graduate, like a gap year or something, and come to India with me? You could definitely find an elementary school or somewhere to teach—"

"Slow down, Minho," Joonmyun laughs. "Those are some major plans you're making for me."

"Oh, sorry, right. I forgot, it's probably a better idea for you to come straight back to Korea after you graduate now that you're courting Seulgi and stuff."

"No, no, that's not the issue."

Truthfully, the first thing Joonmyun told Seulgi on their first date together was, "I'm gay." And her first words in return were, "Me too."

After that, they quickly bonded over their stories of painful one-sided crushes and secret relationships, and they came to an agreement that if they're ever pestered by their parents to find a boyfriend or girlfriend, they could rely on each other. Joonmyun never thought he would get himself into another fake dating scheme, but it’s a little different this time. He isn’t just setting himself up for heartbreak this time around. 

Besides Sehun, Seulgi is the only person from his hometown that knows about Joonmyun’s sexual preference. Telling anyone else runs the risk of Joonmyun’s parents finding out before he’s ready to come out, but Joonmyun hopes that someday he will brave enough to be completely honest with Minho and his mother and father and everyone else that matters to him. 

“Then what’s the issue, hyung?” Minho presses. “If it’s only a year, you have the chance to see a new country without being away from your family for too long. Your father isn’t going to get that much worse in just one year.”

“That’s true, but….” Joonmyun hesitates. He’s tempted by Minho’s suggestion, but he’s realized over the past several days that his future isn’t as pliable as he used to think. One year, though—he could gain a lot of experience during one year without straying too far away from his mother’s wishes for him.

“I’ll think about it,” Joonmyun promises.

 

Joonmyun buries his face in his hands as Seulgi grabs a bottle of champagne from the dining room and whispers to her mother about wanting “alone time with Joonmyun.” As soon as they’re out of earshot from their ecstatic mothers, Seulgi starts gushing to him about her long distance girlfriend Joohyun. 

“She’s making me call her by her English name now,” Seulgi tells him, closing her bedroom door behind him. 

It’s New Year’s Eve, and Seulgi parents are hosting another lavish dinner party for their friends and family. The mood is especially joyful because Joonmyun’s father was just discharged from the hospital the day before. 

“Oh really?” Joonmyun asks, sliding onto her fluffy pink dish chair and kicking his feet onto her vanity counter. He’s been her room only a couple times before, but he feels already like this closeness has always existed between them.

“Yeah,” Seulgi sighs, flopping onto her bed. “She’s going by the name Irene now.”

“That’s a pretty name.”

Seulgi scrunches her nose. “It’s so _weird_ , though. And I can’t see how it isn’t weird for her, too. Imagine going by Joonmyun your whole life, and then suddenly everyone starts calling you Jim!”

“Okay first of all, I’m definitely not a Jim.”

“Okay first of all, get your dirty socks away from my MAC brushes, Jim,” Seulgi shoots back. 

Joonmyun starts giggling, and Seulgi shushes him. “I thought I heard someone outside our door,” she says.

“It’s fine, it might be better if they think we’re canoodling or something,” Joonmyun points out. 

“That’s true. My mom always makes me socialize when we have guests over, but now she’s just thrilled to see that I’m actually interested in spending time alone with a boy.”

“But is that boy interested in spending time with you?”

“Shut up!” Seulgi throws a fuzzy pink pillow at Joonmyun. “You love hanging out with me, don’t lie.”

Unlike Joonmyun, Seulgi attends a university close to home, so she can’t risk anyone from school finding out about her sexuality. It’s the first time Seulgi has ever been able to openly talk about her girlfriend of four years who she has been with since high school. She always came off as cold to her classmates, since it was so difficult for her to open up to people while still trying to hide such an important part of her identity. But with Joonmyun, her naturally bright personality finally shines through. Every time they go on a “date,” Seulgi chats Joonmyun’s ears off about Joohyun, though he can’t say that he doesn’t enjoy it. 

“Yeah okay,” Joonmyun says, hiding his grin behind the pillow he’s holding to his chest.

“You’ve never told me about anyone you’ve been with, besides that one asshole guy you dated for two years,” Seulgi brings up suddenly. “Ever been in love?”

“I am way too sober to be having this conversation right now,” Joonmyun groans.

Seulgi reaches for the champagne bottle she smuggled into her room and uncorks it before handing it to Joonmyun. He tries to lean away in refusal, but she presses it into his hands with an intent nod. 

“I really shouldn’t,” he mumbles.

“Could it be that Joonmyun-oppa is actually a lightweight?” Seulgi gasps. “How unexpected!”

Half a bottle of champagne later, Joonmyun is weeping and hiccupping into Seulgi’s lap about the vicissitude of love.

“I don’t even know what love is anymore,” he sniffles. “Let alone if I’ve ever been in love.”

“Shhh, it’s okay,” Seulgi murmurs soothingly. “Just think about all the boys you’ve had a crush on, and the one that makes you cry the most is the one you love.”

“I don’t know, Seulgi….”

“It’s worked for me! I cry about Joohyun every time I get drunk, and she’s the love of my life.”

She nods encouragingly, and Joonmyun closes his eyes and lets faces swim into his mind. After a minute or two, his chest starts shaking with fresh sobs.

“Well?” Seulgi asks, smoothing Joonmyun’s bangs away from his forehead. “Who are you thinking about?”

“The biggest mistake of my life,” Joonmyun blubbers.

 

 

Joonmyun returns to campus before Sehun does, since the local elementary school begins its second term only a couple of days after the first day of the new year. Though the campus is a little more sparse than usual, there are others taking classes during the intersession. Joonmyun can see light peeking through the crack beneath Chanyeol’s door and remembers that Chanyeol has to return to campus early for off-season training. 

It’s strangely comforting to know that Joonmyun won’t be the only one living on their floor for the next couple of weeks. After the weeks apart spent letting their tension simmer down, it might even be an opportunity to mend any lingering hard feelings. He resolves to visit Chanyeol’s apartment after he settles back into his own. 

A glance in the mirror after he unlocks the door suddenly reminds Joonmyun that it's his last semester as a student before he's forced to assimilate into the real world. He and Chanyeol have had long conversations late into the night about this, but it's finally starting to sink in. 

He's so jetlagged and exhausted from his fourteen hour flight that he leaves his suitcase by the door and heads straight to his bedroom. But when he gets there, he senses a brief burst of motion out of the corner of his eye. Puzzled, Joonmyun flips the light switch on and screams when a cockroach skitters over his foot. 

Joonmyun is generally a long distance runner, but he sprints faster than he’s ever moved in his life to escape from his apartment.

He’s panting and doubled over, his heart pounding from terror more than anything else as he knocks on Chanyeol’s door to beg for refuge. His heart is thumping in his ears, but once it settles down he realizes that there’s a sound coming from the other side of the door. He hears breathy, feminine gasps and low chuckles, and Joonmyun realizes with a jolt that Chanyeol must be with someone. He’s about to turn around and leave when Chanyeol opens the door.

“Hyung?” 

Joonmyun’s throat goes dry when he sees Chanyeol bare-chested and flushed, his lips slick and shiny. He’s wearing boxers when he answers the door, but they’re on backwards. 

“I’m so sorry,” Joonmyun stammers, and he tries to leave, but Chanyeol catches him by the wrist.

“What’s the matter?” Chanyeol’s eyes were soft and languid before, but they’re sharp and probing now. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything,” Joonmyun continues, trying to flee the embarrassing situation he’s walked right into. 

For some reason, Chanyeol is insistent, as though Joonmyun is far more important than whatever is going on inside. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“There are cockroaches in my apartment,” Joonmyun admits weakly. 

Chanyeol’s eyes widen in horror, remembering how distressed Joonmyun was when he was touched by a caterpillar at the park. “Are they all over your apartment?” he asks urgently. 

Joonmyun shakes his head. “Only in my bedroom, I think.”

“Give me five minutes to kick this chick out, and I’ll come to your apartment. Can you wait out here for me for five minutes, hyung? I promise I’ll be right with you.”

“I can wait in my dorm,” Joonmyun says. He decides that he would rather risk seeing a cockroach than seeing whoever Chanyeol is hooking up with.

“Alright hyung, let me take care of this and I’ll be right over.”

Joonmyun checks under the sofa and between the cushions before sitting on it, tucking his knees into his chest to avoid any cockroaches that might be crawling on the floor. A few minutes later, he hears a soft knock on the door. It’s Chanyeol, who’s wearing a shirt and a proper pair of pants this time. He also has a bright red, painful-looking mark on his cheek, but Joonmyun doesn’t mention it. 

“I brought a flashlight!” Chanyeol announces, holding it up to show Joonmyun. 

“Oh, that’s nice, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun says, startled. “But why?”

“I’m going to find all those cockroaches! No need to call an exterminator, I’ll take care of it for you.”

“And do what with them exactly?”

“Get rid of them, of course. What did you think I was gonna do, keep them as pets?”

“Well….”

“Hyung!” Chanyeol laughs, pushing right past him and entering his apartment without invitation. “You have so little faith in me.”

“Chanyeol, you once said that a millipede was cute,” Joonmyun reminds him. He’s strangely relaxed now, and he almost feels like they’ve fallen into their old rhythm again.

“It was a caterpillar,” Chanyeol corrects. “But cockroaches aren’t nearly as cute. Hyung, did I ever tell you about the time I ate a live cockroach?”

“You _what_?!”

“It was during football practice. Someone found a cockroach under the bleachers, and even the toughest looking guys on the team were freaking out.”

“Yeah, because that’s what _normal_ people do when they see cockroaches!”

“Anyways, nobody would go near it, so I crawled under the bleachers and picked it up!”

“And then you _ate_ it?!”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says proudly. “My mouth went numb, and I thought I was going to die!”

“I literally do not know how you’re still alive right now,” Joonmyun says, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“I don’t know what you would do without me either!”

“Okay, that is _not_ what I just said.”

Chanyeol just laughs loudly and turns away from him, pretending like seeing Joonmyun again isn’t the happiest, most painful thing that’s happened to him in weeks. 

“Just wait back in the living room, hyung!” Chanyeol calls out from Joonmyun’s bedroom.

“I wasn’t gonna come after you.”

“Okay, just checking!”

An hour later, Chanyeol returns to the living room with his hands clasped in front of him.

“Well?” Joonmyun asks, looking up from his phone.

“I searched your entire apartment, but I could only find one cockroach.”

“And what did you do with it?”

Chanyeol lifts his closed fist to show Joonmyun that he caught it with his bare hands.

“That’s gross, Chanyeol, go put it outside.”

“Okay, hyung!” Chanyeol agrees cheerily.

“Actually, make sure that you get rid of it far away from here.”

“Okay, hyung.”

“Go across the street and release it. I’ll watch from the window.”

“....Okay, hyung.”

Joonmyun stands patiently by the window, waiting for Chanyeol to appear on the street below. He watches silently as Chanyeol crosses the street, crouches on the sidewalk, and sets the insect free. Then he stands up and waves at Joonmyun, giving him a thumbs up before heading back to the building.

After Chanyeol returns, Joonmyun makes him scrub his hands with hot water until they’re pink and raw. Before he leaves, Joonmyun gathers his courage and hugs Chanyeol, but there’s no response. Chanyeol doesn’t hug him back, and that’s when Joonmyun knows that things have changed. He lets go, and an awkward silence hangs between them, but in that moment they share a wordless, mutual agreement to pretend like they’ve reset and moved on. 

 

Just like the previous semester and all the semesters before, Joonmyun hardly crosses paths with Chanyeol. It’s easier that way. On the other hand, he bumps into Jongin suspiciously often. He’s always at the library when Joonmyun goes to study, and they always end up sitting at desks or chairs next to each other in silence, Jongin peeking at Joonmyun occasionally from behind his black rimmed glasses. 

Eventually Joonmyun finally, out of curiosity more than anything else, asks Jongin out to lunch.

Before leaving Korea, Seulgi encouraged Joonmyun to live and love as much as he could while he still has the freedom to. Since his time in America is drawing to a close, Joonmyun hopes that he can find in Jongin the sweet, aimless kind of romance he’s been looking for. As they sit across from each other at a restaurant Jongin picked out, Joonmyun searches his face for something he could potentially fall in love with.

He certainly admires Jongin’s broad, steady shoulders and shy smile, but there’s nothing about him that tugs at Joonmyun’s heart or makes his stomach flip in excitement. For some reason, Joonmyun suddenly thinks of endearingly large ears, a nose-twitching laugh, and a smile with too many teeth. He blocks the image out of his mind, hiding it somewhere next to the pain he’s ignoring deep in his heart.

By their third date, Jongin finally brings up the dreaded topic of Chanyeol. Joonmyun doesn’t blame him. Their last dinner together was such a clusterfuck, anyone would be curious about what actually went down.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Joonmyun-hyung,” Jongin begins, the same polite way he begins every question, from inquiring about Joonmyun’s favorite color to his plans for the weekend. “If you and Chanyeol weren’t actually together, what were you?” 

“We were….” Joonmyun pauses, searching for the words to describe their messy, convoluted relationship. “We were fake dating.”

“But why?”

“I don’t even know anymore.”

“How could Chanyeol do something so careless to someone as special as you, Joonmyun-hyung?”

Normally, Joonmyun’s a sucker for lines like that. But he feels nothing, and Jongin’s attempt to charm him falls flat, making them both feel uncomfortable. Joonmyun changes the topic, glossing over the brief moment of awkwardness.

Joonmyun doesn’t feel nervous around Jongin the way he usually does during the initial stages of getting to know someone. But he doesn’t feel perfectly at ease, either. Whenever Joonmyun tries to bring up his father during a conversation, Jongin just asks, “Why do you keep talking about your dad, hyung? I thought you said he got out of the hospital and is okay now.”

And Joonmyun always apologizes, and Jongin always suggests, “Come on, let’s talk about something less depressing.”

It’s not that Joonmyun doesn’t enjoy talking about silly, insignificant things. He just can’t help but feel as though their relationship lacks substance when Jongin tries to change the subject every time Joonmyun mentions his father, his future, or anything remotely stressful. Joonmyun just learns to keep his emotional baggage hidden when he’s around Jongin. He wants to love Jongin because he’s polite, indulgent, and he treats Joonmyun the way he’s always wanted to be treated by a boyfriend. 

Jongin is even polite when they have sex for the first time, after a lavish Valentine’s Day date with soft-shelled crabs for dinner followed by chocolate truffle cake and stargazing from the rooftop. It’s romantic and perfect, and the kind of date Joonmyun always dreamed of having. 

“I love you,” Jongin whispers into his ear as he enters Joonmyun’s body, and Joonmyun says “I love you” back again and again, hoping that if he says the words out loud enough times, he might actually mean it. 

He lets his mind wander halfway through, and he thinks about how Chanyeol must be in his own apartment at this very moment having careless sex with someone whose name he won’t remember in the morning. As if Joonmyun is any better, having sex with someone he only says he loves. 

“I’m gonna cum,” Jongin gasps.

“Me too.”

Jongin shudders and collapses to his elbows moaning Joonmyun’s name, and Joonmyun thinks about Chanyeol’s long, pale fingers tightening around his throat, and that’s what sets him over the edge.

 

When Chanyeol finds out that Joonmyun and Jongin are officially a couple, all the shapeless, inarticulate feelings he has had for Joonmyun are suddenly acute. If falling accidentally in love with Joonmyun was the easiest thing in the world, falling out of it has to be the hardest. 

Every weekend, it's a different anonymous pair of legs crossed behind Chanyeol's back. He even starts sleeping with men to relive that exhilarating rush when he imagines that it's Joonmyun's girth on his tongue. At this point, Chanyeol has tried to distract himself with so many random hookups that he forgets what it's like to be in love with the person he fucks. But it still doesn't dull the sharp ache he feels along his ribs every time he thinks about Joonmyun. 

Joonmyun is a persistent itch in the back of Chanyeol's throat that won't go away, not even if he coughs his throat raw. It's close to the end of February when lacrosse season begins and Chanyeol finally begins to recover. He can think about Joonmyun and hear his name mentioned in conversation without feeling physically hurt, but when Joonmyun calls his phone at two in the morning, his old dull bruises are suddenly sharp with fresh pain. 

For a second, Chanyeol just stares at his phone screen in shock. Even when they were close, Joonmyun would never have called unless he had something urgent to say. These days they've hardly spoken at all, which means that Joonmyun is calling him because he's drunk, in trouble, or both. 

Chanyeol saves and closes his physics project before answering the phone. 

“Hyung?” he asks warily. When Joonmyun doesn’t answer, Chanyeol’s voice goes frantic. “Hyung, are you there? Are you hurt? What’s the matter?”

“Chanyeol….never mind, I shouldn’t have called. I’m sorry if I woke you up, Chanyeol.”

“Are you at home right now, hyung?”

“Yeah, but it’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’m going to hang up now, Chanyeol. Have a good night.”

“Hyung, no–”

He hears a beep and the line goes dead. Fear and adrenaline pulses through his veins when Chanyeol grabs his keys and leaves his apartment to pound on Joonmyun’s front door. When nobody answers, Chanyeol grabs his phone and tries to call him instead.

“Hyung! Hyung, I know you’re in there,” Chanyeol tries calling through the wall.

His heart sinks when Joonmyun opens the door, and he sees his chest shuddering erratically and how red and swollen his eyes are. Chanyeol’s feet move on their own, stepping inside so he can hold Joonmyun close. His body remembers Joonmyun—his hands move up his back and into his hair. He rubs circles into the nape of Joonmyun’s neck, and a thrilling warmth wells up inside him when he feels Joonmyun relax into his touch.

“Come on, hyung, let’s sit down,” he murmurs. When Joonmyun doesn’t move, Chanyeol scoops him into his arms and carries him to the sofa. Realizing that Joonmyun is clearly in no condition to talk, Chanyeol asks gently, “When you’re ready to talk, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Joonmyun coughs and nods before burying his face into Chanyeol’s shoulder. 

“My dad,” Joonmyun croaks finally. “He’s in the hospital again.”

“Again? What happened the first time?” Chanyeol asks worriedly since it’s the first time he’s heard that something was wrong with Joonmyun’s father.

Joonmyun haltingly explains how his father’s confusion and dementia resulted in his first hospital stay. “But this time,” Joonmyun sniffs, “he left the house in the middle of the night and wandered to a different town. They found him in an abandoned parking lot, and he almost lost his hand to frostbite.”

“Oh my god,” Chanyeol breathes. “I’m so sorry to hear that hyung. Is he okay now? Are you okay?”

“They’re trying to take him to a psych facility because they thought he was trying to commit suicide. But he’s just confused, Chanyeol, he’s getting old and his mind is betraying him, and he’s not my dad anymore.”

He starts crying again, and Chanyeol rubs his back and dabs away the tears streaming down Joonmyun’s cheeks. “Of course he’s your still your dad, hyung,” he says. “You said that he’s just been having episodes, right? Just give him some time, and he’ll go back to normal again.”

Chanyeol’s voice is low and soothing, and his body is warm and strong. Joonmyun is in a slightly better mental state than he was before, but he’s still close to panicking. 

“I wish I visited home more often when my dad’s mind was still healthy and everything was normal,” Joonmyun whispers. He doesn’t know why he’s telling this to Chanyeol, but he’s kept his distress internalized for so long that he’s splintering apart on the inside. “I only came back home once or twice a year because I was so busy, but spending time with my family would have meant so much more than anything else I was doing.”

“Hyung, none of that time was wasted. You had to make sacrifices, but you learned and grew, and isn’t that what your parents wanted all along?”

“I want to go back to Korea. Right now. I want to see my dad again, and my mom too, because I never know when I might lose her. I’ve never been homesick before, but right now I just want to see them so damn much.”

“Hey, hey,” Chanyeol says softly. “I know you miss them, but don’t do anything impulsive, okay? I don’t think they would want you to mess up your academics just to go back for a visit. You also have exams for the next couple of weeks, don’t you?”

“Fuck exams,” Joonmyun grumbles, glaring at Chanyeol even though he knows that he’s right.

Chanyeol’s upper lip lifts crookedly, and it’s not a smile but it’s the most teeth Joonmyun has seen in a while.

“Two weeks,” Chanyeol says firmly. “Two weeks before spring break, and then you can go home to see your family again.”

Joonmyun starts nodding slowly, but he says, “Two weeks is a long time….Anything could happen in two weeks.”

“Just stick it out for two weeks, hyung, I promise that both your mom and your dad are gonna be okay. I know you don’t care about exams, but what about your kids? Your first graders? Don’t they have something special coming up right before spring break?”

Joonmyun’s eyes widen in realization as he slowly returns to himself. “You’re right. They have their spring choir concert. How did you even remember that, Chanyeol?”

“Of course I remember,” Chanyeol scoffs, as though offended. “You’ve only been talking about it for the entire school year.”

“I can’t believe you actually paid attention to what I was saying.”

“Hyung, I’ll listen to anything you have to say, you know that right?”

Joonmyun is unable to answer him for a few seconds as his heart swells in gratitude.

“You don’t know how much that means to me,” Joonmyun says finally, suspecting that Chanyeol may never realize the gravity of his words. But Chanyeol’s smiling in that way that shows all of his teeth and always makes Joonmyun feel like everything might actually be okay. 

After Chanyeol stirs instant hot chocolate into Joonmyun’s mug for him, Joonmyun apologizes, “I’m so sorry if I woke you up or distracted you from your work.”

“No need to apologize. I couldn’t focus on my project, so I was planning to pull an all-nighter anyways.”

“You really didn’t need to come over here,” Joonmyun insists.

“Of course I did, hyung. You sounded like you really needed someone to talk to.”

“Yeah. Thanks again for coming over.”

“But, um,” Chanyeol continues, suddenly nervous. “Is it okay for me to be here right now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to get you in trouble with Jongin if he finds out that I came over at two in the morning.”

“Oh, he wouldn’t care,” Joonmyun assures him. “And we broke up.”

“Did he do something to you, hyung? Did he hurt you?” Chanyeol demands, jumping to the worst conclusion.

“No, no, he was so sweet. He was perfect, really.”

“Then why did you guys break up? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Joonmyun smiles when he notices how much Chanyeol sounds like Jongin. It seems like all he’s done is compare them to each other lately, he notes with bitter amusement. 

“We stopped trying to convince ourselves that we could fall in love with each other.”

“Wait, what? Weren’t you in love with him?” Chanyeol’s voice comes out harsher than he intended, but his chest is starting to burn with anger. “Wasn’t that why we broke up?”

He was prepared to endure the pain of losing Joonmyun if it meant that Joonmyun could find happiness in a relationship with someone he actually loved. But finding out that Joonmyun might not have even loved Jongin in the first place aggravates Chanyeol more than anything, because now he can’t even make sense of his own suffering. 

“I couldn’t love him, Chanyeol. Even though I wanted to,” Joonmyun says softly.

“Why not?”

“Because he isn’t you.”

“What do you want from me?” Chanyeol asks hoarsely, and Joonmyun kisses him because he doesn’t know what else to say or what to do. His heart is completely exposed now and ready for the next arrow. 

“I love you so much, even though you won’t ever love me back,” Joonmyun whispers. All of his hidden feelings have been pushing up against the walls of his heart, and now they’re pouring out all at once. “I’m sorry. Let me be selfish just this once.”

He tries to kiss him again, but Chanyeol pushes him away and growls, “Hold on. Who said that I wasn’t in love with you too? Why do you think I kissed you so many times before?”

“Wasn’t that because you were lonely?” he asks weakly, his head swimming. “You wanted to kiss me because you were lonely and I was there.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” Chanyeol laughs disbelievingly. “Even if you weren’t there, I would have come to you. Hyung, I want to kiss you right now, and you know why? Not because you’re here, but because you’re you. I love you, and I mean it. You didn’t believe me the first time I said it, but I meant it then, and I mean it now.”

Before Joonmyun can say anything, Chanyeol captures his lips in a kiss that’s surging with unsaid words and raw emotions. When Chanyeol places his hand on his cheek, Joonmyun feels an aching swoop in his chest that’s something like happiness but far more frightening. 

“Fucking hell, Kim Joonmyun,” Chanyeol whispers roughly, looking down at Joonmyun through his eyelashes. “If you were in love with me this whole time, why did you give up?”

“I gave up because I knew what would happen,” Joonmyun says, still feeling an edge of the surrealness of it all. “I knew that you would find some other girl who would make you feel less lonely, and that you’d forget all about me soon enough.”

“Fuck that, hyung. You gave up before you knew what would happen.”

“I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

“The biggest fucking idiot I’ve ever met,” Chanyeol murmurs. “Besides myself.”

 

 

Joonmyun's heart is filling up and overflowing with love when he crouches down to hug his first graders one by one after his last day as a student teacher. Chanyeol lingers by the doorway, holding the bouquet of pipe cleaner flowers the teacher presented Joonmyun just before the bell rang for dismissal. 

The choir concert that afternoon went just about as flawlessly as an elementary school concert could go, though it was a little pitchy, Chanyeol notes as they're walking down the hallway towards the parking lot. 

“They were absolutely wonderful,” Joonmyun gushes. “They worked so hard to memorize the words.”

“Even with you mouthing the lyrics to them the whole time?”

“I'm so proud of them.”

“I know, hyung.”

Small children push past them from every direction, and Chanyeol holds his phone high above their heads to prevent it from being jostled. 

When they're in Chanyeol's car, Joonmyun leans his head against Chanyeol's shoulder before he backs out of their parking spot.

“Thanks for coming today,” he sighs happily, beaming brightly at Chanyeol. “I know that sitting through two hours of elementary school kids singing probably wasn't how you wanted to spend your last day on campus before spring break, but it means so much to me that you're here.”

“Really hyung, it's no big deal. I wanted to support you. Anything important to you is important to me.”

Rubbing Chanyeol's thigh, Joonmyun leans in to whisper, “I can't wait until we get back home.”

“Oh? And why is that?”

“I want you to rip the clothes off my body as soon as we're inside your apartment.”

“What the fuck, hyung? You were almost ready to cry when you were saying goodbye to your students just now, how the fuck are you horny already?”

“It's not that I'm horny all the time, Chanyeol, it's just that you're so fucking sexy. I can't help it.”

“Godammit, hyung, you're gonna make me pull over,” Chanyeol says, glancing nervously at his side view mirrors as if the cars around them can tell what's going on inside theirs. 

“I want you to bite my neck,” Joonmyun continues heedlessly. “And I want you to pull my hair while I'm riding your lap.”

“Fuck, hyung….” 

“My legs miss having you between them, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol bites his lip and pulls over into an alleyway. 

“Wait, what are you doing, Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks when Chanyeol reaches over to unfasten Joonmyun's seatbelt. 

“Get into my lap, hyung,” he mutters. “You can't say stuff like that and expect my body not to react.”

Chanyeol is fully aware that he’s playing right into the palm of Joonmyun’s hand, but he knows it and he loves it. Over the past several days, he’s seen the awakening of a new Joonmyun: he’s been happier, sillier, and more playful and spontaneous than Chanyeol has ever seen him before. 

“I can’t wait to have you inside of me,” Joonmyun moans as Chanyeol kisses his neck. The hot puff of Chanyeol’s breath against his skin makes Joonmyun shiver, and he digs his fingernails into Chanyeol’s shoulders.

“Chanyeol, I missed your lips,” Joonmyun says before biting onto Chanyeol’s lower lip and then sucking the sting away. “And I missed your tongue and your big, fat cock too.”

“You’re so crude, hyung,” Chanyeol groans. He rolls his hips against Joonmyun, holding him firmly in place by the ass. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I just can’t get enough of you,” Joonmyun sighs before kissing Chanyeol again and rubbing their clothed erections against each other. He’s overcome with desire every time they’re alone together, a kind of lust Joonmyun knows won’t last. But after an excruciating several months of holding back, he feels the need to make up for lost time. 

“God I wanna fucking eat you up.”

“Then come get me,” Joonmyun whispers, grabbing Chanyeol by the lapels of his blazer and pressing their foreheads together. He stares intently into Chanyeol’s eyes, waiting for him to make a move. 

“Not now, hyung,” Chanyeol decides reluctantly. He reaches around Joonmyun to switch the ignition off and waits for him to climb off his lap. “Let’s get back home first. We can continue this later.”

Joonmyun bites his grin when he’s buckled up again, trying not to let it show how pleased he is.

“Dirty talking, huh?” Chanyeol asks in a low voice. “That’s new.”

“I thought I would change it up. Get you in the mood before we got home.”

“Well, it’s working.”

Chanyeol slams Joonmyun onto his bed as soon as they’re inside, and he pounces on him. It thrills him that he can be rough with Joonmyun, who’s sturdier than he looks and actually enjoys being manhandled. He’s lightheaded with arousal and dizzy with love when he takes in the sight of Joonmyun with his mesmerizing dark eyes and succulent red lips. Chanyeol notices that Joonmyun’s hair has gotten longer, and he’s suddenly struck by the desire to sketch the tendrils of black hair splaying out against the creamy white sheets.

“You’re looking at me like you want to draw me.”

“Am I really that obvious?” 

“You’ve got that weird look in your eyes.”

“Oh yeah?”

It’s a look that Joonmyun still hasn’t gotten used to yet, being gazed at with soft adoring eyes like he’s a piece of art hanging in a museum. He catches the look in Chanyeol’s eyes more and more often these days, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to it.

Joonmyun rides Chanyeol’s lap, whispering vulgar thoughts into Chanyeol’s ear and letting Chanyeol kiss his mouth clean until their breaths come hard and fast. 

“I love you so damn much,” Joonmyun says, slipping his fingers between Chanyeol’s and letting a wave of euphoria wash over his body.

They spend their last few hours together before Joonmyun’s red eye flight watching shitty television and talking about the future. Joonmyun feels a kind of happiness he knows he shouldn’t trust when they’re busy doing nothing together like this. It feels like they’re aimlessly in love without looking forward or back, which he begins to suspect is the best kind of love. 

“So you're going to tell your parents about your plans for India, right?”

“I don't know, Chanyeol. I'm starting to think it might not be a good idea after all.”

“Why not, hyung?” Chanyeol frowns, turning off the television to look at Joonmyun instead. “You said it yourself that you might not get a chance like this again.”

“Yeah, but after talking to my mom on the phone, I realized that my parents need me more than ever.”

“Why, what happened?”

“They let my dad go back home instead of being sent to a facility.”

“That's great, hyung!”

“My mom has to quit her job to take care of him, though.”

“But your parents are financially stable, right? So you don't need to worry about providing for them.”

“I don’t need to provide for them financially, but they've sacrificed so much for me already, so I feel like it's my duty to take care of them now. Especially since my dad's brain is deteriorating, and my mom has to take care of him all by herself.”

“Hyung, they'll be fine! It's just a year—I'm positive your mom can take care of him on her own for a year. I'm not a medical expert, but I talked to Baekhyun about it and I did some research on my own, and I really don't think your dad will be that much worse in just a year. It doesn't work that quickly.”

“You saw Baekhyun?” Joonmyun asks distractedly. “I haven't seen him in days.”

“Yeah he's been cramming for the MCAT next month. I bumped into him when he was buying Advil from the convenience store at four in the morning.”

“He'll be fine. I know he'll get into medical school, I believe in him.”

“I can't believe that you have enough confidence in Baekhyun to think he'll make a good neurosurgeon someday, but you don't believe me when I say that you've done enough to make your parents happy, and that you should do something for yourself for once.”

“But Chanyeol….”

“Listen, hyung. You're one of the most amazing, selfless people I know. You give and you give, and you always do it with a smile on your face.”

“I don't like seeing people unhappy,” Joonmyun whispers, his fingertips pressing more tightly into the indents between Chanyeol's knuckles. Their hands feel like they were always meant to fit together like this.

“Hyung, I hope you realize that there are people in this world who don't want to see you unhappy either.”

“Chanyeol….”

“Really, hyung. You should stop worrying about other people for once and just do what you want. Remember what I told you about Venus?”

“You haven't told me anything about Venus.”

“Really?” Chanyeol asks in surprise. “Venus is such a neat planet, let's talk about it more sometime.”

“Later, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun giggles. “You were saying?”

“Well, my favorite thing about Venus is that it's the only planet in the solar system that spins backwards in its orbit, and nobody knows why. So if Venus can spin backwards for apparently no reason, you can honestly just do whatever you want.”

Chanyeol grins at him proudly as Joonmyun laughs quietly, feeling his anxieties dissipate the way they always do when he's around Chanyeol. 

“Hey, why don't we go outside before you catch your bus to the airport?” Chanyeol suggests. “We might be able to see Betelgeuse tonight.”

Chanyeol stands behind Joonmyun, holding him to his chest and guiding Joonmyun's hand to trace Orion glittering brightly in the night sky. 

“That one, do you see it?” Chanyeol asks, pointing at Orion’s left shoulder. “It's the reddish looking one.”

“Yeah, I see it,” Joonmyun sighs. “It's beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol agrees, but he's not looking at the star. He's watching Joonmyun's face instead, illuminated by soft moonlight. 

They stand outside like this until Joonmyun has to leave, with Joonmyun gazing up at one bright star and Chanyeol gazing down at another. 

 

“I missed you so much,” Chanyeol grunts when he picks Joonmyun up from the airport a few days later, almost lifting him from the ground as he hugs him. 

“You say that every time we see each other,” Joonmyun laughs, squirming out of Chanyeol’s reach but loving his affection at the same time. 

“Yeah, but it’s been a long time since I last saw you.”

“Five whole days, Chanyeol. And we video chatted every night.”

“I guess,” Chanyeol grins, grabbing Joonmyun’s suitcase and rolling it behind him as they exit the terminal. “I’m glad I got to talk to Minho, so I know my hyung will be in good hands when you’re in India. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to visit you, though!”

“Are you sure about that, Chanyeol? Indian food is spicy, what would you even eat?”

“What are you talking about, hyung? I can handle some heat.”

“Chanyeol, you almost cried when we ate buffalo wings last week. And you think banana peppers are spicy.”

“I’m getting there, hyung. And I’ll build up my spice tolerance. For you.”

“Wow, so romantic. That’s definitely how you win a guy’s heart.”

“I know I’ve won your heart already, hyung.” He wrinkles his nose. “I don’t know about your roommate, though.”

“Don’t worry about Sehun. He’s prickly even to people that he likes. And he likes you, I think.”

“Even after you and his soccer friend didn’t work out?”

“No, Sehun knows that it’s for the better. He actually told me that he’s glad you and I are dating again.”

“Really? Why?

“Because you drive me everywhere, so Sehun gets to use the car more.”

“That brat,” Chanyeol laughs fondly. “Who's gonna want to room with him next year, with a personality like his?”

“He and Jongin are planning to be roommates I think. Baekhyun and Yixing are rooming together again since they're both graduating a semester early next year.”

“Wait, they are? Then am I the only one graduating when I’m supposed to?”

“Sehun’s graduating on time.”

“But he’s a year younger than me, hyung. And even if he is on campus, it’s not like we’re gonna hang out with each other.”

“You never know, Sehun’s a good friend even though he doesn’t always act like it. Yixing’s joining the Peace Corps right after he graduates, but Baekhyun is planning to stay on campus even after he finishes in the winter. I think he just wants to relax for a semester before volunteering during his gap year.” 

“And what about you, hyung?”

They've never talked about Joonmyun's post-graduation plans past India, but with the end of the semester approaching they're both painfully aware of how limited their time together is. It’s clear that Joonmyun has been avoiding the topic.

“Chanyeol, I wasn’t sure how to tell you this,” he begins carefully, “but you’ve probably figured out that I won’t be coming back here after I leave India.”

“So what? I’ll just move to Korea after I get my PhD. We’ll have to tough it out for a few years, but I’ll try to make time for visits, and we can video chat every night just like we did for the past week. It’s getting easier and easier for people to maintain long distance relationships, hyung!”

They’re back at his apartment now, and Joonmyun unlocks the door as he tries to think of what he can say without hurting Chanyeol’s feelings.

“You always look so far ahead,” he says finally. 

“I always look at things from the point of view forever when I think about you, hyung.” Chanyeol's low, thrilling voice still makes Joonmyun's stomach flip. “I want to be with you forever.”

“You know that it’s impossible,” Joonmyun mumbles hoarsely, unable to meet Chanyeol’s eyes. “You got a summer internship with NASA, and who knows what you’ll be doing four or five years from now. Everything you’ve done to build your dreams, you can’t just leave it all behind. I won’t be someone people remember in history books, but you could be, Chanyeol.”

“Hyung, what are you trying to say? Even if we can’t see each other as much, I’m still willing to make it work. I would wait to the end of the universe for you.”

“Remember the girl I introduced to you a couple of days ago? Seulgi?” Joonmyun asks suddenly. 

“She and that other girl, Irene, are a couple right? What about her, hyung?”

“Seulgi will probably be the woman I marry.”

“What? What do you mean? That makes no sense, hyung,” Chanyeol says, though his stomach sinks with the realization that it does make sense, from what Joonmyun has told him about Seulgi’s family and his own. “How can you marry her when neither of you are in love with each other?”

“Sometimes it’s not about love,” Joonmyun sighs in defeat. “Seulgi knows that too, and so does Irene. She’s in the exact same boat as I am, so we understand each other. And when our parents do pressure us to have normal lives and get married like everyone else, we would be the best option for each other. Both in our parents’ eyes and in our own eyes.”

“Why don’t we try to work something out?” Chanyeol pleads desperately. “When you and Seulgi marry, why don’t I marry Irene and then we could all live together and then explain to our kids later why our families spend so much time together.”

“Don’t be facetious.”

“I’m serious, hyung!”

“Even if we did try to work something out,” Joonmyun says quietly, “what if, five years from now, you’re not in love with me anymore?”

“What the _fuck_ are you suggesting, hyung?” Chanyeol asks in a dangerously low voice.

“How do you even know if you’re in love with me? You have feelings for me, but that’s not love. Feelings never last.” Joonmyun swallows the aching hot pain creeping up his throat and glances up for a second at Chanyeol’s dark, burning eyes. 

“Do you love me, Joonmyun?”

Joonmyun doesn’t say anything, and the heavy silence hanging between them is heartbreaking and excruciating to them both. He feels a sudden sting of salt in his eyes. When did he start crying?

“I love you so damn much,” Joonmyun says finally, feeling like his chest is about to burst. “And if you love me too, then please forget about me so that my heart doesn’t have another reason to ache.”

“How could I ever forget you when you’re the best fucking thing that has ever happened to an asshole like me?” Chanyeol implores, though he knows that Joonmyun has made his choice already. 

“Please, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun begs. “You have to promise me that after I’m gone, you’ll try to look for someone who will make you happy. Please, Chanyeol, just promise me one thing—promise me you’ll try to be happy.”

When Chanyeol doesn’t answer, Joonmyun reaches out to hold onto his trembling hand. 

“Okay, hyung,” Chanyeol promises eventually, even though right now he feels like he’ll never be happy again. “I’ll try.”

 

By some miracle, Joonmyun's father is in a stable enough condition to travel all the way from Korea to Joonmyun's university for his graduation. It’s so surreal to be wearing his black satin mortarboard and gown, surrounded by his friends and family from both sides of the world. Even Changmin shows up to watch Joonmyun receive his diploma, looking more bitter and grizzled than he did only a year ago. But he isn’t invited to the celebratory dinner afterwards. 

Baekhyun and Seulgi hit it off right away, and Chanyeol quickly becomes friendly with Minho. Joonmyun modestly gives thanks to everyone who showers him with congratulations, glancing over at his father who is watching Joonmyun with a fierce, quiet kind of pride, and his mother who seems close to tears. 

“Mom, have you met Chanyeol yet?” Joonmyun asks, bringing Chanyeol to where his parents are sitting. “He’s my next door neighbor.”

“Oh hello, Chanyeol-ssi,” his mother says, accepting Chanyeol’s handshake with a wide smile that’s almost identical to Joonmyun’s. “Thank you for taking care of my son.”

“Not at all. He’s the one who’s been taking care of me. And are you really Joonmyun-hyung’s mother? I was almost going to ask him why he never told me he had a sister!”

Joonmyun’s father also shakes Chanyeol’s hand before Joonmyun steers him away, muttering, “Really?”

“Ladies love that shit,” Chanyeol hisses back. “But really though, your mother’s beautiful. And she raised a gorgeous son, too.”

“Stop flirting with me in front of my parents,” Joonmyun sputters. 

Chanyeol complies, but when they’re sitting at the dinner table and Seulgi is openly flirting with Joonmyun to the delight of his parents, Chanyeol reaches under the table to find Joonmyun’s hand. He gives it a discreet squeeze under the tablecloth, and Joonmyun squeezes back. 

For Joonmyun’s sake, Chanyeol has been acting all semester like their conversation about the future never happened, like they have all the time in the word. It hurts to be pretending again, since every day that passes is a painful reminder of how temporary this happiness is. But the happiness was good. The love was good.

Joonmyun’s been pretending too, but he reaches his limit by the last night they spend together before his flight to New Delhi. When Chanyeol slips his hand up the back of Joonmyun’s shirt, Joonmyun suddenly stiffens to his casual, reflexive touching. He’s put his walls back up again, and it takes Chanyeol’s soothing murmurs and soft touch to forget and relax for just awhile longer.

“Stop thinking, hyung,” Chanyeol whispers against his lips before kissing him gently on the forehead, the cheeks, and then the corner of his mouth. “Kiss me like you enjoy it.”

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun sighs. “It’s just so good, I’m so afraid of when it’ll end.”

“You smell so good, hyung,” Chanyeol murmurs, brushing his lips along the dip of Joonmyun’s neck. 

“I’m not wearing any cologne.”

“You smell like sunshine.”

“What does sunshine smell like?” 

Chanyeol thinks about it as he explores the immaculate surface of Joonmyun’s body with the palms of his hands. “It smells like fresh laundry that’s been hanging out in the air to dry,” he decides.

Joonmyun closes his eyes and tries to keep from trembling as Chanyeol caresses and kisses his body all over. His chest is almost torn apart with longing already. He wishes for more time together, or at least for the chance to gather up all the precious minutes they wasted to use more cautiously this time around.

“I’m so glad that I met you,” Chanyeol whispers roughly. “Thank you for being born.”

Joonmyun tries to answer, but the words get stuck in his throat.

“Let’s play pretend, hyung,” Chanyeol continues. “Let’s pretend that we’re in love and that we’ll see each other again tomorrow.”

The night disappears too quickly again, and Joonmyun is kissing Chanyeol one last time outside of his apartment. Beneath a faintly flickering light, Chanyeol’s hand reaches out to clasp Joonmyun’s for a fleeting ten seconds of time, and then he’s gone.

 

 

_Epilogue_

Two years without seeing Chanyeol’s face, and it never occurs to Joonmyun that he feels lonely until he’s standing on the block where they met so long ago. It’s the day before Sehun’s graduation, and it’s the first time Joonmyun has returned to city where he left his heart so many days ago. He’s lost count of the days since Chanyeol and now, those frozen and silent days.

Joonmyun never let himself feel sad for too long. He busied himself with work, with changing the lives of the children he’s met who have changed his life. But occasionally Joonmyun finds himself missing the sound of Chanyeol’s laugh, his voice and body temperature and missing most of all the days they did nothing at all.

While Sehun makes final preparations for his own graduation party, Joonmyun explores the city he once called his home. He’s surrounded by familiar sights that are just unfamiliar enough to feel uncanny, like he’s wandering in a dream. He had the full intention of surprising Chanyeol with a visit until he found out from Sehun that Chanyeol was living with Seohyun again. If it had been anyone else, Joonmyun would have been happy to see Chanyeol. But it’s like history is repeating itself all over again, and Joonmyun takes it as a sign to give up on him.

There’s a food truck parked across the street from his old apartment building, the same one that Joonmyun and Sehun always bought cheeseburgers from when they were living together. Joonmyun digs his wallet out of his pocket to check if he has any dollar bills left to buy a couple of burgers for old times’ sake. He finds enough cash for a packet of gum as well as a folded up piece of paper he hasn’t seen in a long time. It’s the sketch that Chanyeol gave him over two years ago, faded and worn and waterlogged over time. It brings a bittersweet smile to Joonmyun’s face.

When Joonmyun returns to Sehun’s apartment to ask for more cash, he notices that the door is open and voices are floating out into the hallway.

“Thanks for inviting me over, but I’ve gotta head to the lab this afternoon….”

“Wait, no, please,” Sehun’s voice says. “He’ll be back soon, just please wait a couple more minutes.”

“Who, Jongin?”

“No–”

Joonmyun knocks quietly on the door and steps inside. Chanyeol stares at him like he’s seen a ghost.

“I’ll be right back,” Sehun announces. “You two, talk.”

Conflicting emotions battle over Chanyeol’s face for a few moments, his facial expressions changing silently like he isn’t sure how to feel. He settles on a shaky smile.

“Hyung?” Chanyeol doesn’t trust his voice to stay steady, so he doesn’t say anything more.

“Chanyeol,” Joonmyun breathes. Sehun claps his hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder before moving around him to leave through the door, closing it behind him.

Suddenly Joonmyun is being slammed against the wall as Chanyeol kisses him greedily, hungrily like he hasn’t had anything to eat or drink in the two years since they last saw each other. Joonmyun struggles at first, but Chanyeol is stronger and Joonmyun surrenders to the kiss, his toes curling and his back arching off the wall. When Chanyeol takes a second to breathe, Joonmyun gasps, “Chanyeol, stop—please!”

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol whispers, horrified. “I didn’t mean to force myself on you. It’s just….I’ve been dreaming of kissing you again for so long, I couldn’t help myself. Nobody told me you were coming back, hyung. Or am I just dreaming right now?”

“Chanyeol,” Joonmyun says pushing his hands firmly against Chanyeol’s chest. “No, stop, this is all wrong. We can talk, but we can’t do….this.”

“Do you not like it, hyung? If you don’t like it, I’ll stop. Tell me you don’t want me, hyung,” Chanyeol growls. “You told me that my feelings for you wouldn’t last, but what is this? Remember when I missed you after not seeing you for two days? How do you think I feel about two years?”

“I thought I told you to find someone you could fall in love with, Chanyeol,” Joonmyun says, trying to stay calm. “I would have been okay with anyone but Seohyun. Why didn’t you try to find someone who could make you happy?”

“Because I didn’t want to fall in love with anyone who wasn’t you.”

Joonmyun has been fraying at the edges, but these are the words that unravel him completely. He kisses Chanyeol, trying to be gentle this time but soon it turns rough when Chanyeol grabs his chin to tilt his head back, deepening the kiss.

“We need to stop. Sehun’s gonna be back soon,” Joonmyun says huskily, slowly coming back to his senses.

“So what? Let him watch.”

“Chanyeol, really, we need to stop.”

Joonmyun’s voice has changed again, and Chanyeol stares at him. “What’s the matter, hyung?” he asks.

“I’m going back to Seulgi in a couple of days, and I’m going to ask her to marry me, and you’re going back home to Seohyun, who thinks you’ll fall in love with her in time. We can’t do this,” Joonmyun mutters, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. His body is still burning all over from the intensity of their kiss.

“Please, hyung,” Chanyeol begs, bringing his lips closer to Joonmyun’s ear. “Let’s pretend one more time like there’s nobody else in the world but us for just one more night. I want you so badly.”

“Chanyeol, you’re so selfish.” As much as Joonmyun wants to kiss him again, he has to draw the line somewhere.

“I know,” Chanyeol sighs in defeat. All those long hours spent apart, Chanyeol dreamed of seeing Joonmyun again. He wanted to kiss Joonmyun and make him smile—he didn’t want this. There’s a muted knock on the door, and Chanyeol hastily lets go of Joonmyun’s shirt and steps away from him. 

“I’ll see you later, hyung,” he mumbles, opening the door to let Sehun in. “Maybe.”

“Goodbye, Chanyeol.”

He’s almost at the elevator when he hears footsteps approaching quickly behind him.

“Wait!” Sehun wheezes, breathless from the short run down the hallway. 

“Are you okay, Sehun?” Chanyeol asks with real concern. 

“Take this,” Sehun insists, pressing a small paper envelope into Chanyeol’s hands. 

Chanyeol crumples the envelope in his fist and then stuffs it into his pocket without looking at it. “Why did you bring me here today to see Joonmyun-hyung? Why are you doing this?”

“Because I’ve never seen hyung smile more happily than when he was with you.”

 

It’s almost a relief when Joonmyun boards the 747 back to Korea without hearing from or seeing Chanyeol at all. Maybe it wasn’t as clean of a break as he hoped, but his heart will always be a mess when it comes to Chanyeol. He’s been sitting on the plane for over half an hour, waiting for the seats to fill when a cheerful voice crackles over the speakers announcing that there will be a tiny delay in departure. 

Joonmyun sighs, since he’s used to it by now. Rarely are flights ever executed without a hitch. Joonmyun was that delay once, when he barely caught a connecting flight in Toronto because he couldn’t find the right terminal. But he’s a seasoned traveler now. He looks around him. The plane is packed, and almost all the seats are full except for the one next to Joonmyun. Which is a shame, because Joonmyun always meets interesting people on plane rides. It’s surprising how intimately well you can get to know someone just by sitting next to them for fourteen hours.

“Thanks for being patient. All passengers have boarded, so we will be departing shortly.”

Joonmyun looks up in surprise when he sees someone collapse into the seat next to him. Piece by piece, he recognizes expressive dark eyes, large, protruding ears, and plump red lips. 

“Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks, hardly believing his own eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Trying to convince you that your answer isn’t in Korea,” Chanyeol pants. “It’s here, with me.”

“How did you even get onto this plane?”

“Sehun gave me a ticket, because he thought I might need a second chance.”

When Chanyeol called Sehun to ask him why he gave him a plane ticket, Sehun had told him, “Joonmyun-hyung leaves on Thursday. You have until then to decide whether you want to see him again or to let him go for good.”

“A chance for what, Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks, and his lungs start to constrict when Chanyeol stands up and tries to kneel in the cramped space between their row of seats and the next. His legs are too long and it’s awkward and ungainly, but Chanyeol’s grinning wide when he finally manages to get down to one knee.

He opens a small, square velvet-covered box, revealing a simple silver ring inside and says, “A chance to ask….Will you marry me, Kim Joonmyun?”

“This is….this is fake, right?” Joonmyun whispers, his voice rough and scratchy. He feels a sudden tingling in his throat, a fragile sensation.

Chanyeol’s eyes widen in horror, and he insists, “No, hyung, this isn’t fake. I love you? So much? And I want to spend the rest of my life with you?”

Tears start streaming down Joonmyun’s face, and he sobs, “No, it’s fake, you’re just pretending,” but he knows deep down that it’s real, it’s just that he doesn’t want to believe it. He doesn’t want to believe that this kind of happiness is real and possible for someone like him. 

“Please, hyung, have some faith in me,” Chanyeol implores. “Yes or no? My legs are starting to hurt, and people staring.”

“Yes,” Joonmyun breathes, though he can hardly believe his own voice when it reaches his ears. “Come here.”

Chanyeol slips the ring onto Joonmyun’s finger and untangles himself from the narrow space between the seats to lean into Joonmyun’s lap to kiss him breathless. A flight attendant asks him to put his seatbelt on, but Chanyeol can’t stop grinning or looking at Joonmyun. 

“That was easier than I thought it would be,” Chanyeol confesses. “I thought that I would have to spend the entire fourteen hour flight trying to convince you to marry me, hyung.”

“Where did you even get the ring from?” Joonmyun asks, laughing through his tears in amazement.

“A pawn shop,” Chanyeol admits sheepishly. “I’ll get you a better ring when we land in Korea, you can pick one out.”

“It’s okay, I’ll keep it,” Joonmyun decides, admiring the simplicity of the ring. “It’s perfect.”

“You’re the one who’s perfect.”

“Shut up,” Joonmyun giggles. “I still can’t believe you got on the plane just to talk to me!”

“This way you have nowhere to run. Sehun’s actually pretty smart. And a good guy. I like him.”

“But what are you going to do once we land in Korea? You can’t just turn around and go back.”

“I don’t know, talk to your parents? Meet Seulgi and Irene and talk to them about their situation? I don’t know, hyung, but we can figure things out. Honestly, I’m so happy right now, I don’t even care.”

“Me too,” Joonmyun sighs, resting his head against Chanyeol’s neck.

“You know I’ll love you forever, right?” Chanyeol asks quietly.

“Yeah.”

They sit together in a comfortable silence, feeling trust and love flowing between their intertwined fingers. The sky darkens, and Chanyeol asks, “Hyung, did I ever tell you I named a star after you?”

“You did what?” Joonmyun sits up straight to look at Chanyeol.

“When you were gone, I discovered a star that can only be seen on some nights in May. It made me sad when I didn’t know where you were, so I decided to name it after you so I could look at you again.”

“Chanyeol….”

“Don’t cry, hyung. I’ll show it to you some time.”

“Normal people just look at photos of people they miss,” Joonmyun tries to tease him, but it’s not so effective when he’s trying to choke back his tears.

“Yeah, but when I look up at the sky and see the star named after my Joonmyun-hyung, it almost feels like you’re looking back down at me too.”

Joonmyun starts shaking uncontrollably with sobs, and Chanyeol doesn’t know what else to do, so he holds onto Joonmyun and strokes his hair, whispering into his ear about his favorite constellations and how they look at night when the skies are clear.

**Author's Note:**

> yes this could have been a lot shorter if they weren’t such stubborn dummies but why end quickly when there is still pain to suffer


End file.
